


Black Dahlia

by EzReality



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anonymous Beginning, Anxiety, Clexa, Depression, F/F, F/M, Fate, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, So Many Coincidences, Texting, Troubled Past
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-05-23 04:31:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6104986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EzReality/pseuds/EzReality
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke Griffin is a college student who wears a mask of cheerful friendliness. She hides her true self from her friends and family because it is easier than dealing with how they'd react. Three years after adopting the mask though, she struggles to keep it on, and with increasing pressure from her family and friends, her mask begins to crack.</p><p>Lexa Woods is a college student who wears a mask of cool indifference. She hides her true self from her friends and family because it is easier than dealing with how they'd react. One year after adopting the mask though, she struggles to keep it on, and with increasing pressure from her family and friends, her mask begins to crack.</p><p>When both of these girls, who wear masks for similar reasons, are paired together in a new social app called PenPal, they quickly find that they aren't actually so alone. What starts as casual and sometimes more serious, anonymous messaging, eventually blossoms into a beautiful friendship, and eventually, maybe even more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Messaging Format  
> Left - Sent Messages  
> Right - Received Messages

**_Inbox (05)_ **

 

> **_Instagram (_ ** [_notification@instagram.com_ ](mailto:notification@instagram.com) **_)_ **
> 
> _Congratulations **Clarke Griffin** , you have recently reached a substantial milestone on your Instagram account and we would like to congratulate you on your success. Last night at 11:28pm your account’s follower total surpassed 10 000._
> 
> _If there is anything we can do for you, please feel free to contact our help centre at_ [_support@instagram.com_ ](mailto:support@intagram.com)_or log into one of our online help rooms._
> 
> _Regards, Instagram._
> 
> _(Do not reply to this email.)_

 

Clarke smiles at the first email. She made her Instagram account three years ago when she really needed an outlet for all of the pent up creative energy she was carrying around. For the first two and a half years, she just uploaded her art whenever she felt the need to be creative. No matter how personal or meaningful the pieces were, she would upload them just to get the emotions out of her system and out into the open.

Not that she ever went into the meanings behind her art, she simply shared it via her Instagram and that was that.

It wasn't until six months ago that she noticed the rising popularity surrounding her account. To be completely honest, she doesn't really care how many people see her artwork, or even if they like it or not. But six months ago she realized that all of her uploads were bringing in more and more likes, and in turn earning her more and more followers.

At first she was slightly intimidated by the fact that two thousand people were following her account, and she felt pressured to keep producing new artwork regularly to share with her ‘fans.’

That lasted a total of five minutes, until she remembered the original reasons for creating the account in the first place, and ever since, she went back to uploading new artwork whenever she felt like it.

Six months later and she’s reading an email that’s telling her that she’s got ten thousand followers.

Clarke opens up Instagram to look at her latest upload. A few days ago her mother forced her to go along to a pseudo family reunion when she really didn't want to go. There were so many people there, most of them she hadn't had any contact with in years, and none of them were the one person that she wanted to see. None of them will ever be the one person she wants to see again.

She shakes her head of the depressing thoughts and focuses back on her latest creation, which she painted the night after returning home from the reunion.

It is a vague painting of outer space. There are abstract looking starts and planets in the background, but the focus of the piece is the motionless body floating in the middle. The person is indistinguishable. No name, no gender, no appearance. It’s just a figure floating alone in space.

She titled the painting “Lost” in reference to the lone figure floating in space. But in actuality in was more of a representation of her own mind. Her own soul.

Lost.

Shaking her head again to clear her mind, Clarke closes Instagram and goes back to her emails.

 

> **_O.(_ ** [_OctaviaBlake@gmail.com_ ](mailto:OctaviaBlake@gmail.com) **_)_ **
> 
> _Clarkeeee!_
> 
> _I miss you so fucking much! This summer has gone so god damn slow without you! I'm regretting staying on campus instead of going home with you this year. This summer just wasn't the same without you and Raven._
> 
> _Although I did go to a few parties (Yes, I kinda went alone, but you don’t know how bored I've been, stop judging me!) and met the cutest boy! We hung out together at a few of the parties and swapped numbers, and he’s taking me out on a date tomorrow night! He is so muscular and attractive, and his eyes are so deep and brown, and he has these tribal tattoos on his chest and arms, and-_

Clarke zoned out at the description of Octavia’s latest eye candy and skipped through the rest of the description.

It was really long.

And really detailed.

 

> _Anyway, enough about my holidays. How has your summer been at home? How is everything with Mrs. G? How was the reunion? I hope you've been more social during your stay in D.C then you usually are here. We’re going into our third year for god’s sake! You should be having a bit of fun while you still can. I expect lots of stories about how many nights you've been too drunk to remember!_
> 
> _I can’t wait until you and Raven come back next week, I really want to hear about how her summer at space camp went, and I don’t know how much longer I can survive until I get to see your beautiful face again. ;)_
> 
> _Love, O. xxx_

Clarke smiles again after she finishes reading. She’s happy to hear that Octavia is keeping herself entertained without either her or Raven there to look after her- Keep her company.

The smile fades however as she reads back over the parts where Octavia asks her about her summer. Clarke loves her friends and all, but they just don’t get her sometimes. They are all about the college life of sleeping all day, partying all night, and somehow fitting classes in between. But that’s just not Clarke’s scene.

She feels guilty sometimes because she feels like she holds her friends back. They want to go out to every party in a short dress with lots of make up when most nights she just wants to get her study done, then watch a movie with a glass of wine in trackies and a hoody and then  _try_  to sleep.

She’s tried countless times to explain it to them, but it always just earns her a  _“But we’re in college!”_ or a  _“You need to take a break and have a bit of fun.”_ She appreciates her friend’s attempts at ‘fixing’ her, but in reality they don’t even know what it is that they’re trying to fix… How could they, when Clarke herself doesn't even know what’s wrong with her.

More often than not, it’s simply easier for her to put on a happy face and pretend that everything is okay. She’s gotten so good at it that her friends have even stopped noticing when she’s faking it, which is most of the time…

Looking at the time to see that its 4am, Clarke sighs and decides to respond to the email later. In the meantime she goes back to checking the rest of her emails before she can go take a shower after a long day, and then night, of helping her mother out at the hospital.

 

> **_RayRey (_ ** [_RavenReyes@gmail.com_ ](mailto:RavenReyes@gmail.com) **_)_ **
> 
>  
> 
> _Hey girl!_
> 
> _One week to go. Can’t wait to see you again!_
> 
> _Sorry I haven’t been able to talk more, but this internship has been hectic! I've loved every minute of it though. I look forward to telling you all about it._
> 
> _Love Raven. X_

Raven’s email worked at cheering Clarke up a little bit. It’s nothing special, but it’s so typically Raven. Short and straight to the point. No time wasted, yet point gotten across.

She smiles slightly again, wondering how Raven’s summer has been at ‘space camp’ - as Octavia liked to label it – was going. It’s actually an intern ship at NASA and kind of a huge deal, but Raven was so nervous about it before the summer holidays, so playing it down as ‘space camp’ seemed to help her relax a bit.

After reading the emails from her best friends, Clarke realizes that she really misses them. It’s been a few months since she’s seen them. And even though they've kept in contact, it hasn't been much contact. Raven has been busy with the internship, Octavia has been busy being Octavia and Clarke herself has spent nearly every day working in the hospital with her mother.

Even though it was supposed to be her summer holidays, she decided that she wanted to get a head start on her volunteer hours working in a hospital under supervision, this way she wouldn't be as pushed for time when she went back to college, and the fact that it was her mother who’s supervision that she was working under made things a little easier. Somehow, the idea of getting her volunteer hours up, while maintaining all of her course work didn't sound appealing. She needs some time to sleep after all.

Following the realization of how much she misses her friends, she realizes that she is in fact rather exhausted. By this point, she has been up for almost twenty four hours straight, twenty of which were spent working at the hospital.

Fighting back a yawn, Clarke closes the email and looks to the next one down the list. She frowns slightly when she doesn't recognize who it’s from but opens it nonetheless and starts reading.

 

> **_PenPalApp (_ ** [_notification@penpalapp.com_ ](mailto:notification@penpalapp.com) **_)_ **
> 
>  
> 
> _Thank you for registering to partake in the beta testing period of PenPal, the newest and hottest up and coming App, trending on both the Apple and Android ‘coming soon’ lists._
> 
> _We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected out of thousands of eager applications, to be one of the first users to get your hands on our new App._
> 
> _During this testing period, you will have full access to all of the App’s features. Upon full release to the public, you, along with the other one hundred beta testers, will be offered a free lifetime account with our service as a thank you for all of your help._
> 
> _For testing purposes, every account has been linked with one other account. This means that when both accounts have been activated, each user will receive a notification, and from there, PenPal is there for you to use at your leisure._
> 
> _Brief Overview of Beta services:_
> 
>   * _100% anonymous messaging between linked accounts,_
>   * _free and unlimited voice communication between linked accounts,_
>   * _& unlimited (within reason) private online storage for sharing any photos or images between linked accounts._
> 

> 
> _Upon full release of PenPal, the above features and more will be available along with the random “find a friend” feature, which will link accounts based on our matching algorithms._
> 
> _Thank you again for registering to partake in our beta testing period, and congratulation on being selected out of the thousands of people who applied._
> 
> _We look forward to hearing from you with any feedback or concerns regarding our App at_ [_feedback@penpalapp.com_ ](mailto:feedback@penpalapp.com)_._
> 
> _Regards, PenPal Team._
> 
> **_ Click on this link to download PenPal and activate you’re Beta Account _ **

“What the fuck…?” Clarke asks herself out loud.

She rereads the email, trying to figure out how it ended up in her inbox. She definitely did not remember signing up to help test this App.

But then how did her email get listed as one of the ‘lucky’ one hundred accounts selected?

She shrugs to herself, assuming it’s just some kind of spam that managed to dodge her spam filter. She closes the email and goes down to the final unopened email.

> **_Monty G (_ ** [_MontyGreen@gmail.com_ ](mailto:MontyGreen@gmail.com) **_)_ **
> 
>  
> 
> _Hey Clarke!_
> 
> _I hope you’re having a great summer visiting home, hopefully you’re not working yourself too hard and actually taking a bit of time to yourself to just relax. Knowing you though, you've probably been volunteering at the hospital all summer saving lives, so when you read this I hope you can take a few minutes and have a glass of wine for me!_

The smile is back on Clarke's face again.

Classic Monty.

Out of everyone in her life, he is probably one of the only people who just accepts her broken self for who she is.

They’re not the closest of friends, but he always listens when they talk, and he never tries to push her into anything that she doesn't want to do. He just accepts her word and moves forward.

 

> _My summer has been okay. It started out a bit rough though. I finally came out and told my parents. They didn't take it very well at first, but after a couple days they realized what they were doing and quickly apologized and offered me their full support._
> 
> _I almost wish that I didn't tell them, ever since I did, they've been begging me to introduce them to Nathan, but I don’t think I'm ready to let them try to intimidate him yet._

She smiles again.

 

> _Anyway, the main reason behind this email is to ask for your forgiveness… I don’t know if Jasper told you or not. But over the break we've been working together to develop an app called PenPal, -_

Ohhhh…

 

> _\- and I was in charge of sending out all of the Beta invitations. We set up an online application to find one hundred willing participants, which worked really well, considering we had over three thousand people apply._
> 
> _But when I had a final list of the one hundred testers I didn't double check it before sending out all of the accounts… It was only afterwards that I realized that Jasper had replaced one of the applications with your details._
> 
> _I'm really sorry and hope that you’re not too annoyed. You don’t have to download the app or do any of the testing, I can reset the account and send it out to one of the people who actually signed up for the testing._
> 
> _Sorry again, Monty._
> 
> _ps. can’t wait to see you and the girls back at Arkadia :D_

 

Well now that explains the previous email. While it’s typical for Monty to be considerate and understanding, it’s just as typical for Jasper to be pushy and annoying. He usually has good intentions though, she begrudgingly admits to herself.

After thinking it over for a few minutes, she hits reply to Monty’s email and types out a quick message.

 

> **_To: (_ ** [_MontyGreen@gmail.com_ ](mailto:MontyGreen@gmail.com) _)_
> 
>  
> 
> _Hey Monty!_
> 
> _It’s good to hear from you. I hope you’re having a great summer break and I'm so glad that things worked out with your parents. I'm proud of you for having the courage to tell them._
> 
> _You were right – as usual – about the busy day thing. I've just gotten home after like 20 hours working in the ER with mom. I think it’s a bit late for a glass of wine, but next chance I get, I’ll definitely have one on you._
> 
> _Also, don’t worry about cancelling the account. From the acceptance email it seems like you and Jasper have put a lot of work into this and I’d be honoured to help you guys out._
> 
> _See you next week!_
> 
> _Clarke :D_

She hesitated for a moment before actually hitting the send button, but decided to just go with it and click the button. Normally she wouldn't really be into the idea of this PenPal app that they've got set up, it seems a bit too much like tinder for her tastes, but Monty and Jasper are two of her closest friends, so she decides to just show her support by going along with it.

It’s just chatting to some random person for a couple weeks that she’s never actually going to meet, shouldn't be any issues.

With a shrug of her shoulders, she opens the PenPal email on her phone and clicks the link. The email app closes and after a few seconds a new app opens.

The title screen has a neat little animation and a fancy looking title, she’s actually kinda impressed. After a couple seconds it fades to a log in screen. The ‘username’ section is greyed over and already filled out with her email address, but the password section is blank, with small red writing below it that says,  _‘please enter a password between 6 and 12 characters long.’_

She thinks for a few seconds before deciding on her password, after typing it in, she hit’s the ‘finalize account’ button and the screen quickly changes to what she assumes is the main menu.

There are a few options that she can see on the screen, but most of it is covered by a notification.

 

**_'Thank you for being a part of the PenPal Beta testing period. You will be notified as soon as your testing partner has activated their account._** ’

 

With nothing else to do, she closes the app and puts her phone on the charger. Going back to her laptop she closes out of her email, deciding to reply to the other messages in the morning, then closes it and also puts it on charge.

She grabs some pyjamas and a towel and heads out of her room to have a quick shower.

Fifteen minutes later she collapses into her bed feeling a bit better with clean hair and minty breath.

She turns off her light and closes her eyes, minutes later she is fast asleep.

Unfortunately for Clarke though, she won’t get to rest for long. It’s already 4:30 am and her alarm is set to wake her up again at 7am.

 

* * *

 

It’s another twenty hour day in the ER with her mother and Clark is exhausted by the time that she finally collapses into bed. She only got a few hours’ of sleep the previous morning before she had to get up and go again.

She is thankful that she has the rest of the summer break off to relax. It was her final day of volunteering at the hospital with her mother yesterday, and now she is looking forward to a few days of relaxation before going back for another year of college.

Just as she turns the light out and closes her eyes to get some much needed sleep, she is distracted by the sound of her phone vibrating a few times on the bedside table.

With a groan she rolls over to receive her phone before unlocking it to see who the hell messaged her at 4:30am.

When she unlocked the phone though, she was surprised to see that it wasn't a message, but a notification.

 

**_‘PenPal: You’re testing partner has activated their account. All services previously mentioned to you are now available at your leisure. We hope you enjoy the use of our app and if you have any issues, concerns or feedback, please feel free to contact us at_ ** [ **_feedback@penpalapp.com_ ** ](mailto:feedback@penpalapp.com) **_.’_ **

 

* * *

 

**_Inbox (03)_ **

 

> **_Instagram (_ ** [_notification@instagram.com_ ](mailto:notification@instagram.com) **_)_ **
> 
> _This is an automatic notification to let you know that **Clarke Griffin**  has uploaded a new photo to Instagram. You have elected to receive notifications when this user uploads new content, if you would like to cancel this feature, email “Stop” To _ [_stopnotifications@instagram.com_ ](mailto:stopnotifications@instagram.com) _._
> 
> _Regards, Instagram._
> 
> _(Do not reply to this email.)_

Lexa closes out of her email and opens Instagram up in a new tab. Normally, she isn't the kind of person who uses any of these social media platforms, but when her brother showed her this girls Instagram a few months ago, she couldn't not make an account to follow her. Her artwork is amazing.

When the page loads, she navigates it to bring up Clarke Griffin’s page and scrolls down to click on the newest upload.

“Lost.”

She isn't really that into art, but that doesn't mean that she can’t admire the way the dark blue and blacks meld together to create an abstract image of space. It doesn't mean that she can’t admire the soft and subtle stars and planets in the background, that are more likely there to let people know that it’s actually outer space than anything else. And it doesn't mean that she can’t admire the way that the painting draws her focus to the lone figure, floating, motionlessly, lifelessly in the centre or the painting.

Lost.

The way this person composes her art, it just hits a cord within her. It’s like the paintings, or drawings, have two levels. There’s the obvious layer on top, that is meant to look pretty and eye-catching, but there’s also the deep and more meaningful layer hidden beneath. The layer that only those who can relate to the artists emotions will ever be able to see.

Either that, or she is just reading way too far into a simple painting of a lone figure floating in space.

Lexa sighs and scrolls down to look at some of the other uploads from this Clarke Griffin person.

Ten minutes later, Lexa is still scrolling through different pieces of artwork. Every piece that has been uploaded, be it drawings or paintings, are all beautiful. She admits to herself that this person is an extremely talented artist, and wonders if art is what they do for a living.

She also wonders why she gets the same feelings from every single piece of artwork. At first she almost smiles at the beauty of the piece, but after a few seconds of actually looking at it, all of it, she realizes that the meaning behind the piece is nothing to smile at.

She wonders if the artist suffers from depression. From the vibes Lexa is picking up from the artwork, it would certainly seem that way. Most people probably wouldn't see it, but Lexa does. She can relate after all.

She shakes her head to clear her mind. She goes back to the top of the page and likes the latest upload before closing the tab and checking the time.

4:15am.

She sighs again and rubs her eyes with the palms of her hands.

It’s been a long day.

Mostly spent going over case files to help her father with the latest case take by their families law firm.

Deciding to just go back to her emails so that she can get it over with and try to get some sleep, she scrolls down to see the next email is from her brother.

 

> **_Lincoln (_ ** [_LincolnWoods@gmail.com_ ](mailto:LincolnWoods@gmail.com) **_)_ **
> 
>  
> 
> _Lex!_
> 
> _How’s the break going for you at home? Dad told me that you've been working your ass off helping out at the firm, he also told me that you have used barely any of your summer to actually relax. Come on! You've got ONE week left until you have to go back for another year of law school, try to take a bit of a break. Please._
> 
> _I know we haven’t been as close as we could have been for the past year, but I do care about you little sister, and I do worry… You always act cool and collected, but I know that beneath it you’re still holding onto the past. You need to let go and move forward, and I just want to be there to help you be happy again. You do know that right?_

 

She sighs and adopts a small frown on her face. As much as she’s perfected her mask of cool indifference to the world around her, her brother can always manage to see straight through her.

It’s not the first time that he’s tried getting through to her like this, telling her that she needs to move forward, accept the past and be happy again. But it’s just not that easy. He just doesn't understand. How could he?

 

> _My break has been pretty good. You know, because I've actually taken a break and relaxed._
> 
> _The party scene has been good this summer. Great weather, great company, loud music and lots to drink. I expect to see you actually attending some parties this year by the way, starting with my birthday bash the first weekend after colleges starts up again. I don’t care if I have to drag you along, I won’t let you just lock yourself away and study non stop for another year._
> 
> _I also met someone at one of these parties. She’s great and I think you’d really like her. We've hung out a bunch at different parties and I'm taking her out on a date soon to see how we go outside of a college party. Hopefully if all goes to plan, I’ll be introducing her to you as my girlfriend when you come back to Arkadia next week._
> 
> _Give Mom and Dad my love, see you next week._
> 
> _Lincoln._
> 
> _ps. I signed you up to try out this new app that randomly pairs you up with someone to talk to anonymously. Before you crack the shits at me, there’s only like, one hundred spots open for the testing, and from what I've heard, thousands of people have signed up, so chances are you won’t even get selected. IF you do though, PLEASE give it a chance. I know you hate talking to new people, but who knows, you might end up making a really good friend through this. Just give it a chance if you get chosen._

With narrowed eyes and a slight frown, Lexa releases a slight sigh. It’s so typical of Lincoln to sign her up for something like this without her knowledge or permission. At least the odds of her being chosen aren't really in her favour, so she won’t have to feel bad about ignoring her brother’s request.

That idea goes down the drain though when she closes the email and looks to the final unread email in her inbox.                               

 

> **_PenPalApp (_ ** [_notification@penpalapp.com_ ](mailto:notification@penpalapp.com) **_)_ **
> 
>  
> 
> _Thank you for registering to partake in the beta testing period of PenPal, the newest and hottest up and coming App, trending on both the Apple and Android ‘coming soon’ lists._
> 
> _We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected out of thousands of eager applications, to be one of the first users to get your hands on our new App._
> 
> _During this testing period, you will have full access to all of the App’s features. Upon full release to the public, you, along with the other one hundred beta testers, will be offered a free lifetime account with our service as a thank you for all of your help._
> 
> _For testing purposes, every account has been linked with one other account. This means that when both accounts have been activated, each user will receive a notification, and from there, PenPal is there for you to use at your leisure._
> 
> _Brief Overview of Beta services:_
> 
>   * _100% anonymous messaging between linked accounts,_
>   * _free and unlimited voice communication between linked accounts,_
>   * _& unlimited (within reason) private online storage for sharing any photos or images between linked accounts._
> 

> 
> _Upon full release of PenPal, the above features and more will be available along with the random “find a friend” feature, which will link accounts based on our matching algorithms._
> 
> _Thank you again for registering to partake in our beta testing period, and congratulation on being selected out of the thousands of people who applied._
> 
> _We look forward to hearing from you with any feedback or concerns regarding our App at_ [_feedback@penpalapp.com_ ](mailto:feedback@penpalapp.com)_._
> 
> _Regards, PenPal Team._
> 
> **_ Click on this link to download PenPal and activate you’re Beta Account _ **

****

She sighs again and contemplates her options. On one hand she can just delete the email and pretend that she never received it, that way if her brother asks her, she can just lie and say that the application wasn't accepted.

But on the other hand, if she does that, then what happens to the person that her account is supposedly linked to? Does that person just miss out on the chance to test the app? Or will they be paired up with someone else?

Well they can only be paired up with someone else if the other person’s partner ignored the email as well. But why would any of the other people in the beta bother applying if they didn't actually want to participate in the testing?

That being said, theoretically, the ninety nine other people actually want to be testers for this app, so if she ignores the email, then that means that someone else will miss out because of her.

She has no interest in finding a new friend or talking to some random stranger.

But it would be selfish of her to just ignore it, and as much as she tries to come off as cool and indifferent around people, she isn't actually a selfish person.

So with her mind finally made up, she lets out a sigh, checks the time to see that it’s 4:29am. Shen then opens the email on her phone, and clicks the link to download the app.

After navigating her way to the log in screen, she sees her email already entered as the username, and types in a standard password that she uses for most of her online accounts. After she hits the ‘finalize account’ button, the screen changes and brings up a new notification.

 

**_‘Thank you for being a part of the PenPal Beta testing period. You will be notified as soon as your testing partner has activated their account._** ’

 

With another sigh and plea to an unknown deity that she won’t regret this decision, she plugs her phone into the charger beside her, turns off the lamp on her bedside table and gets under the covers of her bed.

A few seconds later, just as she closes her eyes, she hears her phone vibrate beside her.

With a groan she wonders who the fuck is messaging her at 4:30am and reaches for her phone. When she unlocks it however, she realizes that it isn't a message at all.

It’s a notification.

 

**_‘PenPal: You’re testing partner has activated their account. All services previously mentioned to you are now available at your leisure. We hope you enjoy the use of our app and if you have any issues, concerns or feedback, please feel free to contact us at_ ** [ **_feedback@penpalapp.com_ ** ](mailto:feedback@penpalapp.com) **_.’_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to find me on Tumblr if you want! - ezreality7.tumblr.com
> 
> If you have any question I'd be happy to answer them here or on Tumblr!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Messaging Format  
> Left - Sent Message  
> Right - Recieved Message

Clarke sat there, on her bed, in the dark, at 4:30am staring at her phone.

As soon as she read the notification, she started feeling panicked, and she had no idea why. Sure, she may not be the most social person, and prefers to just stick to what she knows, but it’s not like she’s going on a blind date or anything.

It’s just a random person that she has been paired with to test her friend’s app.

That being the case, she can’t figure out why she feels her anxiety acting up.

After a few minutes of shallow breathing and staring at the now dark screen, she unlocks her phone again and opens PenPal. Seemingly forgetting that it’s 4:30 in the morning, she navigates to the messaging section of the app.

               

**4:35AM**

**_Prisa_ **

_Hello?_

Clark grimaces at seeing the name above the message. Obviously she didn’t expect it to show up with her email address, because that wouldn’t be very anonymous, but she didn’t realize that Japer would put _that_ down as her name.

Growing up, Clarke’s father always called her his little princess. She used to love it so much, but whenever she tried to repeat it, all that she could pronounce was _Prisa_. It was embarrassing when that story was leaked to her friends but she dealt with it at the time.

Now though… She hates when people call her princess. Too many memories…

She is shaken out of her thoughts when the phone in her hand vibrates and the screen lights up again.

 

                **_4:37AM_**

**_Heda_ **

_Hello._

Looking down at the simple response, Clarke doesn't really know what to say. Or if she even wants to say anything. It is well past time where any normal person should be asleep after all.

 

**_4:39AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Why are you awake this early in the morning?_

**_4:40AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I could ask you the same thing._

**_4:41AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I only got home from work recently and was about to go to sleep when my phone buzzed._

**_4:43AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Oh. Sorry. I was just about to go to sleep myself when I was checking my emails. I had one about this app, and well, here we are._

**_4:44AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Oh, fair enough._

**_4:45AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Yep._

By this point Clarke is out of things to say again, but she isn't tired any more and she doesn't really feel like lying awake in bed for another hour trying to get to sleep. She almost asks about the other person’s choice of name, _Heda_ , but decides against it when she realized she probably wouldn't be comfortable if they asked about hers either.

Instead she decides to go with something else.

 

**_4:48AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_So what made you decide to sign up to try out this app?_

**_4:50AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I didn't sign up. Why did you?_

**_4:51AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I didn't either._

**_4:52AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Really?_

**_4:53AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Yeah. My friend put my name down. I didn't even know until I got the email telling me that I had been selected._

**_4:54AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Same thing happened to me… Except is was my brother._

 

Clark takes a moment to consider their conversation up until this point. It turns out that she isn't the only person who was entered into this without asking for it.

It’s fairly obvious to her that this Heda person was feeling uncomfortable, and for some unknown reason it bothered Clarke. Like, she needed to make sure that the other person was okay with talking to her.

 

**_4:57AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Are you okay?_

_You seem sort of, I don’t know… Uncomfortable?_

**_4:49AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Yes, I am fine._

_I’m just not really big on talking to people that I don’t really know._

_Sorry…_

**_5:01AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_That’s understandable._

_I’m much the same._

**_5:02AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Really? Why?_

_Sorry that was a personal question. You don’t have to answer it._

**_5:03AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_No it’s fine. I just prefer sticking to what I know. I’m not a huge fan of change. Whether it be forced or chosen._

_I prefer to stay within the safety of my comfort zone I suppose._

**_5:05AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I know how you feel._

Clarke looks to the time and has to double take when she realizes that she’s been messaging this stranger for half an hour.

**_5:07AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I’m sorry for message you so early in the morning. You should probably get some sleep._

**_5:08AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_So should you._

**_5:09AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Hah, yeah probably._

**_5:10AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Not tired?_

**_5:11AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Not really no. I know I should be. But I’m just… Not._

**_5:12AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Nor I._

**_5:13AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Do you want to keep talking for a while? To pass time?_

By now Clarke is certain that she isn't going to be able to get any sleep, and is just thankful that she doesn't have any plans for the day. She decides that she’ll probable just end up watching Netflix and having an afternoon nap.

With her decision made, she puts her phone down and heads down stairs to go make herself a coffee. She doesn't really need it to stay awake, her racing mind does a fine job of that without caffeine added to the mix, but she likes the taste so she just goes with it.

When she comes back a few minutes later with a steaming cup of coffee, she takes a sip before sitting it on her bedside table and grabbing her phone again.

She taps the power button and sees two new messages.

 

**_5:14AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I don’t care._

**_5:18AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Sorry that came across as rude. What I meant was that I don’t mind if you would like to talk, and it also wouldn't bother me if you’d prefer not to._

**_5:20AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I don’t really mind either way to be honest. I mean, I’m probably not going to be getting any sleep anyway._

**_5:22AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Then I guess we can talk._

Clarke wasn't sure at which point she started hoping that that would be the answer she got, but she realizes it when she let out a sigh of relief.

Apparently she liked the idea of talking to someone she didn’t know and would never meet. It meant she could say whatever she wanted, without worrying about anything coming back on her. The whole anonymity aspect really is quite appealing, she realizes.

 

**_5:23AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Cool :)_

**_5:24AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_So what do you want to talk about?_

**_5:25AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I don’t know… Anything?_  
  


**_5:26AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Does this kind of thing happen often for you?_

_Being awake at this time I mean._

**_5:27AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_More often than I’d like to admit…_

**_5:28AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_What do you usually do when you can’t sleep?_

**_5:29AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Sometimes I draw or paint, if I’m in the mood. More often than not I just lay around and listen to Spotify._

**_5:30AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_You’re into art? What kind of music do you listen to?_

**_5:31AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Kinda, mostly it’s just a creative outlet for me though._

_When it comes to music, I’m one of those kinds of people that has phases but can listen to all kinds of music._

_At the moment it's mostly alternative and punk rock._

**_5:32AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Are you listening to anything now?_

Apparently somewhere in the past twenty minutes, without even realizing it, she had in fact turned on her Spotify and is listening to music. She considers naming the song but decides to just link the playlist.

She made the Spotify account years ago, so her name on it is actually Prisa as well, so she doesn’t really need to worry about breaking the anonymity that they've got going at the moment.

**_5:34AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Yeah. Hang on, I’ll link you the playlist._

[ _https://open.spotify.com/user/prisa/playlist/0UkuusceENrMMQhUx0fQVd_ ](https://open.spotify.com/user/prisa/playlist/0UkuusceENrMMQhUx0fQVd)

__

A few minutes passed without a reply, and Clark uses this time to choose a song to listen to. Just before her phones buzzes again, she switches the song to **_Drown – Bring me the horizon._**

**_5:37AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Oh wow. There are some great bands in this playlist. Good selection of songs too._

**_5:38AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Yeah I like to think so._

_I made this playlist a few years ago. It’s helped me get through some really tough times._

**_5:39AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Tough times?_  
  


Clarke bites her bottom lip nervously. She didn't mean to say that. While she could probably see herself talking to someone anonymously about her issues. She’s not ready to spill her tragic issues quite so soon.

Maybe in a decade, or three…

 

**_5:42AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Yep._

_What about you? Are you up this late, or early, often?_

She decides to try and deflect the question and change the topic.

 

**_5:44AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_More often then I’d like to admit._

_That wasn't me trying to mock your earlier response. It was just the first one that came to mind._

_Sorry._

Clarke frowns at the person’s apparent need to apologize whenever they feel like they've said something wrong. She remembers that it’s supposed to be a symptom of anxiety, she used to apologize just as much, sometimes she still does…

 

**_5:46AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_It’s fine. You don’t need to apologize._

_What is it that you do when you can’t sleep?_

**_5:47AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I listen to music a lot too. Sometimes I read as well._

**_5:48AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Do you have a playlist you could link me? So I can see what your tastes in music are like too?_

**_5:49AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I do… But most of the songs are the same anyway so there isn’t much point._

**_5:50AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Fair enough._

Clarke doesn't mind the fact that she seems to be giving more to the conversation than _Heda._ She’s happy enough to just go along with the flow of things. And while _Heda_ isn't really giving as much to the conversation as she feels she is, they are replying promptly and they seem to be trying to keep the conversation going.

 

**_5:53AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Obviously I don’t know if you go to college, or work, or are still in school. But I assume that you've had some kind of summer break? How has that been for you?_

**_5:54AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Yes I've had some time to relax. I've spent a lot of it working, but it’s been okay._

_What about you?_

**_5:55AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Yeah, I had a bit of time off from college for the summer. But just like you, I've spent most of break working._

**_5:56AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_What kind of work do you do?_

_If you don’t mind me asking that is…_

**_5:57AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_It’s fine :)_

_I've_ _been working a lot with my mom in a hospital._

**_5:58AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Oh. So I assume that you’re doing a medical degree of some kind?_

**_5:59AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Yep. I’ll hopefully be a doctor within a few years._

**_6:01AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_That’s pretty cool._

**_6:02AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Thanks!_

She wants to ask what _Heda_ does for work, and if she’s in college too. But she doesn't want to push for information. It’s almost as if _Heda_ can read her mind though as Clarke reads the next message.

**_6:04AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I’m probably really shitty to talk to… You've told me a lot about yourself already and all I've told you is that I like your Spotify playlist…_

_Sorry… As I said, I’m just not good at talking to people that I don’t know._

_Please don’t take it personally._

**_6:05AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_It’s okay. I understand. Really._

 

**_6:06AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Thank you for not being annoyed. I probably would be in your situation._

**_6:07AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Don’t be silly, it’s fine :)_

**_6:09AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_It’s not… I’m a pretty crappy person._

_You’re being open and honest, and I’m just sitting here taking in all of the information and giving you nothing in return._

Yep. Definite anxiety. Clarke can relate. Obsessive need to apologize. Consistent need to put oneself below the standard of others. Repetitive need to give others a way out of the conversation.

Clarke has seen it all before.

She has done it all before.

She still does it fairly often.

 

**_6:15AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Sorry. I’ll leave you to get some sleep or something._

Clarke doesn't even realize that she’s spaced out until she gets the next message.

 

**_6:16AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Wait._

_Sorry, I spaced out for a few minutes. You don’t have to go, and you don’t have to give anything back to me._

She sees the alert come up a few times to signal that _Heda_ is typing something, but after a few seconds it disappears again each time.

 

**_6:22AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Are you sure…?_

**_6:23AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Yes._

**_6:24AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Okay…_

After taking a brief pause to finish her coffee, which she realizes is pretty much cold by now, she gets another message.

 

**_6:26AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Thank you._

**_6:27AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_What for??_

**_6:29AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Not leaving…_

Clarke’s heart tenses for a moment.

It would seem that her ‘PenPal’ has some kind of abandonment issue, or has dealt with some form of abandonment in their past.

She doesn't know why, but once again, she feels the need to reassure _Heda_. Maybe she’s simply projecting her issues onto her anonymous ‘PanPal’ or maybe they’re both as broken as each other, and instead of admitting her own issues, she wants to try and help someone else deal with theirs.

 

**_6:31AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_As long as you don’t want me to, I won’t leave._

**_6:32AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_That’s not a promise you can keep._

**_6:33AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_You’re right._

_But I can promise that I will do everything within my power to not leave?_

There is another few minutes in between messages, in which time Clarke just hums softly along to the music while staring down at her phone.

 

**_6:38AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Okay._

_What do we talk about now?_

**_6:40AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I can share a something with you if you’d like? You don’t need to feel obligated to share anything back. You can just listen? Or read I guess?_

**_6:41AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_If you’re sure?_

**_6:42AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Mhm :)_

**_6:43AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Okay. I think I’d like that._

_:)_

Clarke new it wasn’t much. But she felt like she’d accomplished something simply by getting _Heda_ to send that one smiley face. They probably didn't actually smile, but it still felt like somewhat of an achievement.

Why she actually cares so much though, she has no idea.

 

**_6:47AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Okay._

_When I was younger, like 10 years old. My parents took me to a water park near Washington D.C called Mt. Weather Water Park, have you ever heard of it?_

**_6:48AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Yes, I've actually been there. It was when I was twelve though._

**_6:51AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Okay so before we went, I was super excited to go, because it was the first time that I’d ever been to some sort of theme park. I remember reading so many brochures about all the rides and gift stores and everything. By the time we were in the car on our way there, I already had a hand drawn map with our route planned out. Every ride or attraction that I wanted to see, I’d drawn on the map and put a time next to it. I was so excited that I literally planned out every minute of our day._

**_6:53AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_That’s kind of cute._

Without actually knowing why, that message made Clarke smile genuinely. She loved telling people this story, it had just been years since she had felt up to sharing it with anyone.

 

**_6:56AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Maybe a little :P Anyway when we actually got there, I took off, leading my parents to the first ride. I remember it so clearly. It was a huge waterslide where enclosed slides were wrapped around each other from top to bottom. As soon as I saw it I ran off towards the stairs and was climbing them before my parents even realized that I was gone…_

**_6:57AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_What happened next?_  
  


**_7:01AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_A few minutes later, they found me half way up the staircase to the top of the slide, hugging the hand rail for dear life and balling my eyes out. It was the same day that I discovered that I am terrified of heights…_

**_7:03AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Oh my god. I’m not sure whether to gush about how cute that is, or feel sorry for you!_

This made Clarke smile again, because without even realizing it, _Heda_ was starting to relax into the conversation a little bit. She could tell because the other person was becoming a bit more expressive, which Clarke took a sign of _Heda_  being a bit more comfortable.

 

**_7:04AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_What did you do after that?_

**_7:06AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Well when I finally stopped crying an hour later, I discovered that my entire days plan had been ruined by my newly discovered fear, so I spent most of the day splashing around in the wave pool and exploring the gift shops._

**_7:08AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Okay now I’m definitely gushing :)_

Clarke was proud of herself for seemingly improving the mood of her anonymous PenPal. Even when her own mind was in turmoil, it always made her feel better to help other people.

It was one of the main reasons that she wanted to become a doctor.

Most people thought it was admirable and selfless to become a doctor, but in reality for Clarke, helping others made her feel a little bit better about herself, so in a way it was kind of a selfish ambition.

She was about to send another message but was cut off by an incoming one.

 

**_7:10AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I can’t believe it’s already past 7am. Sorry, but I think I can hear my parents getting up to go to work so I should probably go and see them off. Thank you for talking to me when you didn’t have to, and for not leaving when most people probably would have._

_Maybe we can talk again later? If you have nothing better to do that is._

She frowned a little bit after reading the message. After seemingly cheering the other person up, they fell back into bad habits so easily, unnecessary apologizing and putting themselves below another’s standards.

It made Clarke frown a bit more at how easily these things seem to come to this _Heda_ person.

She decides that she definitely does want to talk again later. She convinces herself that she needs to make sure that the other person is okay.

Nobody deserves to be broken, well that’s what she’s been trying to convince herself for the past few years anyway.

 

**_7:13AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Its fine, I should probably do the same as well. My mom will be waking up any minute to get ready to head into the hospital._

_It was nice to talk to someone new for once, even if I’d never actually go out and start talking to a stranger in the real world, it was nice to talk to you here, and I’d be happy to talk to you again sometime._

_Have a nice day :)_

**_7:14AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_You too :)_

Deciding to go and see if her mom was actually getting up for work too, Clarke puts her phone back on the charger and heads down stairs to where she can hear sound coming from the kitchen.

When she rounds the corner her suspicions are proven correct when she sees her mom brewing a pot of coffee.

“Morning mom.”

“Clarke?!” Abby jumps, not hearing Clarke come down the stairs. She holds her hand over her heart in an attempt to calm her racing heartbeat from being startled only moments ago. “What are you doing up so early? I thought that you’d sleep in now that you’ve finished your volunteer hours at the hospital.”

“I just woke up to see you off before you go.” Clarke lies with a fake smile.

It’s easier to tell a small lie than to have her mom try and start diagnosing her with insomnia and anxiety.

Again…

“You’re so sweet.” Abby smiles, turning back to her coffee, buying the lie easily.

Clarke has had years of practice now so it’s not exactly hard to do any more.

With coffee now in hand, in a disposable cup, Abby turns back to Clarke. She gives her daughter a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek before heading towards the front door.

“I’ll probably be back late again tonight. Have a nice day sweetie.”

“You too mom.”

Hearing the front door close, she blinks a few times Feeling that her eyelids are getting heavy, she decides to go back up to her room for a nap.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Late that afternoon, Lexa wakes in her bed, curled under a thin sheet so as not to be too hot from the summer heat. She blinks the sleep out of her eyes while stretching out her limbs to help finalize the waking process.

Once she’s satisfied with her current level of perception, she pushes the sheet away and gets out of her bed. Reaching for her phone, she pulls it off the charged and the screen lights up, allowing her to check the time.

She sighs when the time displays it 5:13PM.

She slept all day.

After seeing her parents off in the morning, she went back up to her bed for a quick nap. Though apparently her quick nap turned into waking up at 5:13PM.

“Fuck my life.” She mumbles to herself while unlocking her phone to check for any messages.

When she does, she sees that she has two new text messages. The first being from her brother.

 

**_3:27PM_ **

**_Lincoln_ **

_Just thought you’d like to know that my date last night went brilliantly. I look forward to introducing you to my girlfriend. Maybe you could come out to a few parties with us when you get back?_

Lexa is happy that her brother has found someone that he seems to care for enough to actually ask out on a date, and then ask to be his girlfriend. But she really is not looking forward to him pressuring her to going out with them to parties.

With a sigh she sends off a quick reply.

 

**_5:15PM_ **

**_Lexa_ **

_Congratulations. I’m happy that you’re happy._

After sending the message, she realizes that it wasn't exactly an enthusiastic reply. But decides that it’s about all of the enthusiasm that she can muster at the moment.

She’s too annoyed at herself for sleeping through the entire day to be enthusiastic.

Looking toward the next message, she realizes that it’s from her best friend Anya, and opens in promptly.

**_Anya_ **

**_4:03PM_ **

_Hey x_

_What day/time can I expect you home? If you want I can get a few of our friends around for a welcome home party in your honour._

Anya is Lexa’s best friend and one of her house mates back at college. They moved in together roughly a year ago after knowing each other since they were younger. She loves Anya like a sister, but she is just like her brother in the sense that they don’t understand that she doesn't like to party, and dress up, and drink, like they do.

She prefers the quiet solitude of her bedroom and the safety of her course work.

Anya often jokes about it, asking if there is something broken inside her head. She means nothing by it, but every time she says it, Lexa fumes.

Because yes, there is something broken inside her head. And pretending that everything is okay, and going out to parties and getting drunk and pretending to be a normal college girl will not fix that.

Lexa doesn't even realize how worked up she’s getting until she feels the palms of her hands digging into her phone from squeezing it so tightly.

She lets out a sigh, and with it her annoyance. After taking another deep breath to calm herself further. She types out a quick reply before sending it off.

 

**_5:22PM_ **

**_Lexa_ **

_I should be getting back sometime early Sunday afternoon. If you want to invite your* friends around for a welcome back party that’s up to you, but I won’t be participating._

_See you on Sunday._

She knows that it may come across as a bit harsh. But things like this have happened often enough that Anya has learnt not to take it personally.

Lexa just wishes that she would stop trying to ‘fix’ her with short skirts and alcohol.

Closing out of the texting app on her phone, she checks her emails next. It doesn't take long and before she knows it she is closing out of the email app back to her home screen. Without all of the typical social media platforms to check she goes to lock her phone before seeing the PenPal icon in the bottom corner of her phone.

Curiously she taps the app to open it and goes to her messages. She’s a bit disappointed to see that there are no new messages but quickly suppresses the disappointment and decides to reread the morning’s conversation.

She didn't even realize how long they were talking for until it took her almost half an hour to read all the way back through the conversation, and before she even realizes it she’s reading over the water park story with a smile on her face.

Arriving at the end of their conversation, she discovers that, even though she didn't do much of the talking, she socialized more with a random stranger in a single morning than she usually does in an entire week at college.

For some reason she just felt less uncomfortable talking to _Prisa,_ than she normally does talking to other people. It probably had a lot to do with the fact that the person seemed to go out of their way to make sure that she was comfortable in the conversation, and even accepted the fact that she is socially impaired when it comes to new people, and instead of judging her, ended up sharing a personal story from their past to help break a bit of the ice.

Somehow she actually really enjoyed their conversation and finds herself looking forward to the next one.

She decides that when they talk again, she will attempt to be a bit more open, while trying not to expose her own damaged mental state.

From the sounds of things, maybe _Prisa_  has been through some pretty heavy stuff like she has. They were pretty quick to cover their slip up about ‘tough times.’ And thinking back to some of the songs in the Spotify playlist, it’s not exactly the kind of music you listen to whilst in a cheery mood.

Who knows, depending how things go for a while, maybe _Prisa_ will end up being the first person that she opens up to, spills out all of her insecurities to, and actually admits to that she is fucked up.

Maybe.

But not likely.

Checking the time again she sees that it almost 6PM and with that comes the realization that her parents will be home soon.

To try and hide the fact that she’s been asleep all day, she grabs her laptop and one of her course books for the coming year and heads into the living room.

She drops herself into the recliner and sets her laptop up on the coffee table in front of her. She opens Spotify to play some music as background noise and without even knowing it, double clicks on the same playlist that she was sent earlier that morning.

With that taken care of, she folds her legs beneath herself and loses herself in the course book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be more Lexa in coming chapters, overall the story's perspective will be fairly balanced between Clarke and Lexa. (Thought maybe a tiny bit more towards Clarke)
> 
> BTW the Spotify link is fake, I do have a playlist which I've been listening to whilst writing this story though, and if anyone wants it I'll probably add it to a note in one of the coming chapters.
> 
> Thanks again for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> Feel free to find me on Tumblr if you want! - ezreality7.tumblr.com
> 
> If you have any question I'd be happy to answer them here or on Tumblr!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Messaging Format  
> Left - Sent Message  
> Right - Recieved Message

Clarke’s quick nap turned out to be a lot longer than she expected. Apparently after working for close to twenty hours, followed by not sleeping all night and then crashing into your bed at 8AM, results in more than a quick nap.

When she eventually woke up, it was 10PM and her mother was sitting on the side of her bed shaking her shoulder gently.

“Clarke sweetie, I’m home.”

“Hmm? Mom?” She mumbled tiredly.

“Sorry for waking you up. I just wanted to let you know that I was home. Did you decide to have an early night?”

When realization hit Clarke her eyes widened. The last thing she remembered was crawling into bed just after Abby left to go to the hospital.

In other words, she slept through the entire day, and now she was likely to pay for it by not being able to sleep through the night again.

Great…

“It’s just past 10. I have to say I’m surprised to see that you’re already asleep.” Abby told her while moving a strand of hair away from her daughters face.

“Umm yeah. I went to the gym this afternoon and when I got home I was pretty beat. I was just going to take a quick nap but I guessed it turned into an early night.” She lied easily, again.

Clarke does regularly go to the gym. But her mother doesn't need to know that she didn't go today. She doesn't need to know that she’s been asleep for the past, fourteen hours.

“That makes sense.” Abby told her with a kiss to the forehead before moving back towards the door. “I’ll let you get back to sleep. Goodnight.”

“Night.” Clarke calls out as her bedroom door softly clicks shut.

It’s 10PM and Clarke Griffin literally just woke from a fourteen hour sleep.

“Fuck me.” She sighs.

Knowing that there is absolutely no chance of her falling back to sleep, she gets out of bed to quickly put a dvd on before ducking back under the covers.

Four hours later she clicks the off button on her remote while aiming it at the TV on her wall.

There is a small smile on her face and she feels slightly energized after watching the successful defence of Helms Deep in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, one of her all-time favourite movies.

She is jogged back to reality when she hears her phone vibrate on the bed beside her. Reaching for it she looks up to the time to see that it’s already 2:23AM and then looks down to see a message notification from the PenPal app.

With another small smile she swipes her finger across the screen to unlock her phone, before opening up the app and going into her messages.

 

**_2:23AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_are you awake? :)_

Looks like someone might be in a good mood? She thinks to herself, still having the small smile on her face.

 

**_2:24AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Yep. Hey, what’s up? :)_

**_2:25AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_yay I was hoping you’d be up for another chat im not tired at all :)_

**_2:26AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_You’re in luck :P I spent most of the day asleep so I’m not sleepy at all either._

**_2:27AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_awesme! what do you want talk about? :)_

Less punctual, smiley face on every message, yep, someone is definitely in a better mood this morning.

 

**_2:28AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I’m not sure :) Is there anything that you want to talk about?_

**_2:29AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Ummmmmm_

_how old are you? :)_

Clarke is a bit taken aback by the question. Not really expecting it, but not necessarily opposed to answering it either.

 

**_2:31AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_21, my birthday was recent though, what about you? :)_

**_2:32AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_cooool! im 20 at the moment but my bqirthday is coming up in a few months :)_

“Ohhhhhh.” Clarke mumbles to herself in sudden realization.

Less punctuation. Excessive emoji usage. Extremely talkative. More spelling mistakes in one text than their entire previous conversation.

 _Heda_ must be drunk, she realizes.

 

**_2:34AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Are you drunk? :P_

**_2:35AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Maybeee ;) is that a problem?_

**_2:36AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_No, I was just curious :)_

**_2:37_ **

**_Heda_ **

_okie dokie :)_

**_2:39AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Do you drink often? :)_

**_2:40AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_nope! only when I’m feeling shitty and I need a pick me up :P_

Maybe _Heda_ being drunk isn’t a good thing, if it means that they are feeling shitty…

 

**_2:42AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Why are you feeling shitty? If you don’t mind me asking?_

**_2:43AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I don’t care at the moment_

_Sometimes I just get feel down, and drinking helps me forget_

**_2:44AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Forget what?_

**_2:45AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_My ex_

Oh.

Maybe this discussion isn’t such a good idea.

Clarke can’t imagine the uncomfortable and guarded person that she was talking to the previous morning, suddenly being happy to share the story about their ex, especially when they’re trying to forget about it.

Unfortunately Clarke was nothing if not curious.

 

**_2:46AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Bad break up?_

**_2:47AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Understatement of the fucking century right there :P_

**_2:48AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Do you want to talk about it?_

Clarke sent the last message before she could stop herself, she was taking advantage of _Heda’s_ obviously lowered guard, but she just couldn't help herself.

 

**_2:49AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_sure, why the hell not._

_I haven’t talked to anyone about it yet so i may as well get it over and done with!_

**_2:50AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_If you’re sure? What happened? Why did the two of you break up?_

**_2:52AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_she died :/_

Clarke froze upon reading the message. Her mouth became dry and her grip tightened around her phone. The pace of her breathing increased and her arms started to shake.

She loves helping people. It’s what she does. But the one thing that she can’t do is help people accept the loss of a loved one. How the hell could she, when Clarke couldn’t even do it herself.

 

**_2:54AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_and it was my fault..._

Clarke’s breath hitched and she stopped breathing for a few seconds in shock.

 

* * *

 

Lexa drops her phone and covers her mouth to muffle the gasp escaping her lips.

She did not mean to say that.

She really, REALLY, did not mean to say that.

Those words which have been floating around in her mind for almost a year, which have never been spoken out loud.

And she just sent them to a stranger.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” She mutters under her breath, running her hands through her hair.

Even in her alcohol induced state, she is aware enough to realize that she fucked up.

She should not have started talking to ANYONE while she was under the influence.

The panic surging through her veins is enough to sober her up slightly, and with it she rushes back to her phone, intent on deleting the messaging app and suppressing tonight’s memory as a drunken dream.

Just before she closes out of the app though, she receives a message that makes her freeze in place.

 

**_3:00AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I don’t believe you._

Her shock wears off quickly though as it is overcome with frustration. A typical coping mechanism she has adopted over the past year to help her deal with things that she is uncomfortable with.

 

**_3:01AM_ ** **_  
_ **

**_Heda_ **

_You have no idea what you’re talking about._

**_3:03AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I may not know the details, but I can see the signs._

Slowly Lexa’s frustration fades away as she stares at the phone in her hand in confusion and worry.

 

**_3:08AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_What signs…?_

**_3:10AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_You’re defensive and guarded. You put up so many walls around yourself and refuse to let anyone in._

**_3:11AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_You don’t know a damn thing about me._

Lexa replies hastily. Ignoring the fact that her reply was in fact defensive and guarded.

 

**_3:12AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_You’re right, I don’t. Except I do know that you probably feel guilty all the time, and the guilt stops you from accepting help from people._

Again Lexa freezes, staring down at the phone.

After one slip up, this person seems to know exactly how she feels.

How?

 

**_3:15AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_What makes you say that?_

**_3:17AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Forgive me for being blunt… But you’re ex died recently and you feel responsible, correct? Logically, I bet it’s not actually your fault. But no matter how much you try to convince yourself, you can’t stop blaming yourself._

_Am I right?_

Lexa swallows. Hard. Breathing fast and unsteady. Her whole body is trembling.

With shaky hands she slowly types her reply.

 

**_3:22AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_How can you know that…?_

Near instant reply.

 

**_3:23AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Because I was you three years ago. I still am you occasionally._

Lexa stares at her phone. Reading the message over and over again trying to comprehend what the message means.

Can this person actually know how she feels? Can they have somehow have been through something similar?

The odds of it are next to nothing, yet here they are, explaining her own god damn feelings clearer then she can herself.

She needs to know more.

 

**_3:30AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_What…?_

**_3:34AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_For the past 3 years I've been in your exact position._

**_3:36AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_And what position would that be?_

**_3:39AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I don’t really want to go into details, because similar to you, I've also been trying to bury it deep and forget so that I don’t fall apart completely._

_But 3 years ago, someone very close to me died, and even though everyone tells me that it wasn't my fault, it’s still easier to hate myself then accept that they’re actually gone forever._

“Shit…” Lexa mumbles. Apparently this person does in fact know, exactly what they’re talking about.

And somehow after an entire year of ignoring offers of help and pretending that everything was fine, talking to _Prisa_  is the easiest thing she’s done in a long time.

That thought alone scares the shit out of her, and she is still tempted to just delete the app and pretend that this never happened.

But for some reason, she just, cant…

 

**_3:45AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I don’t know what to say to that…_

By this point, Lexa can’t even feel the effect of the alcohol any more. It’s as if the shock and panic of the conversation cleansed the alcohol from her system.

 

**_3:47AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_You don’t have to say anything._

_I didn't tell you that because I want any pity from you or anyone else, and I didn't say it because I thought it would magically make you feel any better, because the truth is, I don’t know if you ever will… 3 years later and I’m still fucked up._

Lexa is still lost for words. This is NOT how she expected her night, well morning, to go…

 

**_3:50AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_No, the reason I told you is because you need to accept that whatever happened wasn't actually you’re fault.  It may feel like it was, but by holding the blame over yourself, you will never be able to move on._

_Trust me, I’m speaking from experience._

Seems logical enough. But easier said than done…

 

**_3:52AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Have you accepted that whatever it is that happened in your past wasn't actually your fault?_

**_3:57AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_No…_

**_3:59AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Neither can I…_

**_4:00AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Maybe one day?_

“Maybe…” Lexa concedes with a sigh, then remembers that Prisa can’t actually hear her.

 

**_4:02AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Maybe…_

**_4:04AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_If you ever need to talk to someone, whether it’s about what happened, or just to vent about your day, feel free to message me._

Lexa subconsciously relaxes after reading that.

 

**_4:05AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Thank you. I might take you up on that offer._

**_4:06AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_You’re welcome._

**_4:07AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_The same offer stands for you._

**_4:08AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Thank you._

**_4:09AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_You’re welcome._

There is a pause for a little while. Neither person knowing what to say after such an intense conversation between two strangers.

 

**_4:15AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Make sure you drink lots of water, so you don’t wake up with a hangover or anything._

**_4:16AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I’m already half way through my water bottle :)_

**_4:17AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Good :)_

**_4:19AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I’m sorry for messaging you while I was drinking. I don’t usually do that._

Lexa sent the message without much of a thought, suddenly feeling extremely self-conscious.

 

**_4:22AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_It’s fine, really. Why did you though? Message ME I mean._

**_4:25AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I don’t know… As uncomfortable as I came across when we talked yesterday, it was still the most comfortable I've felt talking to someone in a long time._

_I guess…_

**_4:27AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Oh, okay :)_

**_4:30AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Yeah… I haven’t ruined whatever this is have I? I like talking to you for some reason. I don’t know why, but it just feels… Comfortable?_

**_4:32AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I told you that I wouldn't leave unless you wanted me to remember?_

**_4:33AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Yes._

**_4:34AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Do you want me to leave now?_

**_4:35AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_No..._

**_4:37AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Then I won’t leave._

A drop splashes onto the screen of Lexa’s phone. Instinctively she raises her hand to her face and finds a wet trail of tears gliding down her cheek.

She didn't even realize that she was crying.

It’s been longer than she can remember since she’s allowed herself to shed tears.

 

**_4:40AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Thank you. Really._

**_4:41AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_You’re welcome :)_

**_4:43AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_What now?_

**_4:45AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_You remember asking my age before?_

Lexa’s swallows guilty, feeling slightly nervous as well.

 

**_4:47AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Yeah… Sorry, that was probably too personal a question for me to ask…_

**_4:49AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_It’s okay :) but I want to ask you a question in return. If that’s okay?_

Yep. Lexa is definitely nervous now. She feels obligated to answer, but she’s scared that _Prisa_ will ask her something about what happened… And giving any answer in regards to that would require a full explanation.

 

**_4:51AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I suppose that would be fair._

**_5:53AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Are you a girl or a guy?_

“What?” She asks herself, caught completely off guard, before shaking her head and typing her reply.

 

**_5:54AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_What?_

**_5:56AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Are you a girl or a guy?_

_I’m a curious person and it’s bugging me not having any context to go with my thoughts._

_Some of the things you've said have made me assume that you’re male, yet others have made me suspect that you’re female._

_You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but if you’re okay with it, I’d like to know :)_

**_5:57AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Girl._

She hits send before she even realizes it.

 

**_5:58AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Me too :)_

**_6:00AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Really?_

**_6:02AM  
_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Yep. Did you think that I wasn't?_

**_6:04AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Well I didn't know what to think. Thought I was kind of curious as well…_

**_6:05AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Well I guess now we both know :)_

**_6:06AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I guess so._

**_6:07AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Are you tired?_

**_6:08AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_No, are you?_  
  


**_6:09AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Nope._

**_6:10AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Can we keep talking for a while?_

**_6:11AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Of course :)_

Lexa subconsciously lets a soft sigh of relief slip through her lips.

 

**_6:13AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_What do you want to talk about?_

**_6:15AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_How would you feel about just talking about little things for now?_

**_6:17AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I’d like that :)_

 

* * *

 

Clarke is leaning against the window of the train on her way back to Arkadia. Back to the house that she shares with her two best friends. Back to another year of college.

It’s been a few days since the pseudo heart to heart that she had with _Heda_. After the seriousness of the conversation they both enjoyed another hour of random chatter to pass time until they both said their goodbyes to see their parents off to work for the day.

In that hour, they stuck to basic conversational topics to make things easier. Favourite books, favourite movies, favourite TV shows, favourite bands.

They basically just settled into the conversation of each other’s favourites and took it in turns to ask the other about a different topics.

They haven't talked again since that morning, but it's understandable why. During their talk Clarke learned that _Heda_ also goes to college, but she doesn't know where or what she studies. But it made sense that both of them were fairly busy during the last few days of their summer break, packing and heading back to college for the year.

She’s sure that they’ll probably talk sometime within the next few days though.

Checking the time, Clarke finds it to be 6:37PM, which means that she should be arriving in Arcadia in a few minutes, so she sends off a quick text to her friends to let them know she’ll be home within half an hour.

 

**_6:38PM_ **

**_Clarke Griffin_ **

_Hey guys, I’m a few minutes away from the station. I’ll be home around 7ish. See you soon x_

As predicted, almost half an hour later, Clarke is unlocking the front door to the shared house that she lives in near campus with her two best friends Octavia and Raven.

“I’m back!” She calls out to alert whoever may be home.

She can hear muffled words and the sound of someone falling over from the lounge room, so that’s the direction that she heads in.

When she walks through the door she is greeted with the image of Octavia straightening out her clothes while standing next to tall muscular guy with tan skin, short hair and brown eyes. She can also see the tribal looking tattoos on his arms, and his chest because he isn’t wearing a shirt.

Well this is awkward…

“Clarke!” Octavia squeals and barrels into her, squeezing her arms around her best friend after not seeing her all summer, seemingly forgetting about the awkwardness of the situation that Clarke just walked into.

Clarke looks over towards the guy where she sees apologetic eyes but a small, warm smile.

“I feel like I’m interrupting something…” Clarke says hesitantly returning Octavia’s hug.

Reminded of the current situation, Octavia jumps back from Clarke and looks at her with wide apologetic eyes.

“Sorry! I thought that you were going to text me when you were almost here.”

“I did. Half an hour ago.” Clarke responds, holding up her phone.

“Oh shit. Sorry, I was a bit-”

“Preoccupied?” Clarke offers.

Octavia has the decency to look slightly embarrassed but covers it up quickly with a playful smile before turning to the guy in the room for the first time since the conversation started.

“Clarke, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Lincoln Woods.” She gestures towards the guy who takes a step forward to stand beside her.

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you.” Lincoln offers politely, keeping the warm smile on his face.

“Lincoln, this is my best friend Clarke Griffin.” Octavia finishes the introduction by gesturing back towards the blonde.

“Hey, it’s nice to meet you too…” Clarke finishes hesitantly when Lincoln adopts a contemplative expression.

He seems to be trying to remember something as he looks at her for a few moments before his eyes light up in recognition. How they do so is beyond Clarke, because she’s fairly sure that they've never met before.

“Wait... You’re Clarke Griffin? The Clarke Griffin?”

“Umm… Yeah? I guess so?”

“As in the Clarke Griffin from Instagram? The artist?”

Oh.

Well this is a first.

“That would be me yeah. Though I’m not much of an artist, it’s more of just a hobby.” She explains.

“She’s just being modest.” Octavia huffs, playfully nudging her friend’s side.

“Wow, the world is smaller than I thought. My sister absolutely loves your art. Not that she’ll admit it out loud though.” Lincoln explains with a grin.

“Oh, I’m glad. Thanks.” Clarke offers an awkward smile, not really knowing what else to say. “What are you guys up to tonight?”

“We were going to go out and get some dinner. Monty, Nathan, Jasper and Lincoln's house mates are going to meet up with us so that we can all meet each other.” She explains. “Raven said that she’ll join us if she’s back in time, but Bell won’t be back until tomorrow morning.”

“Oh, fair enough. Have a nice night.” Clarke hugs her friend again and offers a friendly smile to Lincoln before turning back towards the door.

“Wait, don’t you want to come with us?” Octavia asks, almost pleadingly.

“Nah.” Fake yawn. “I’m pretty tired, I might just head up to my room and crash for the night. You two have fun though.” She explains with a well-practised smile before leaving the room and quickly heading up stairs.

When her bedroom door is safely shut behind her, Clarke drops her bags and falls onto her bed with a content sigh.

Her room is her safe place. In all the time that she’s lived in this house, nobody has been allowed to enter it except for her. Whenever she feel angry or sad or anxious or depressed, she retreats to her safe place, knowing that in her room, she is free from people’s judgement, and free from people’s pity.

She feels slightly guilty about not going out to catch up with her friends, but on the other hand, Octavia should have known that she wouldn't want to go out. She hasn't wanted to go out for years, why would that change now?

Instead of feeling guilty though, she reaches into her bag and pulls out her laptop, deciding to unpack the rest later.

She opens Instagram to check her notifications and shudders when she sees the one at the top.

**_FinnCollins_ ** _started following you. (3 hours ago)_

Swallowing the lump in her throat, she quickly clicks on his profile and hits ‘Block.’

She cut her ex out of her life for a damn good reason, and she doesn't need him trying to work his way back into it. If only he could accept that she never wants to see him again. If only her friends could fucking accept it, but no, they still feel the need to occasionally remind her that it was a mistake breaking up with Finn.

She was dating Finn three years ago when her father died. A month later they broke up for reasons that Clarke has actively been trying to forget since that day.

Yes, she’s never told her friends why she broke up with him. But it’s just not something that she wants to relive in her mind, let alone talk about. It shouldn't fucking matter why she broke up with Finn. Her friends should just support her decision and forget about him. God knows that she has, or at least she would have if her friends didn't keep bringing him back up again every couple months.

Recognizing the fact that she’s getting herself worked up, Clarke closes her laptop again and decides to just put a movie on and try for an early night.

Try, being the operative word.

 

* * *

“I’m home!” Lexa calls out as she walks through the front door of the house that she shares with her brother and best friend.

“Lexa?” Anya calls out before appearing at the top of the stairs with a smile. She descends the staircase and wraps her arms around her best friend.

Lexa returns the embrace warmly, and maybe a little awkwardly before stepping back.

“Hi. You look nice. Going out?” She asks, gesturing to Anya’s done up hair and makeup.

“Yep we’re going out to meet up with Lincoln and his girlfriend, along with some other people for dinner.”

“We?” Lexa frowns.

“Yes, WE, Lincoln really wants you to meet her and coming out for a couple hours won’t kill you.” Anya tells her, almost in a lecturing voice.

The tone in her friend’s voice frustrates Lexa and she is tempted to lash out, but takes a deep breath and tries to stay calm.

“I don’t feel like going out tonight- ”

“There’s a first.” Anya mutters sarcastically under her breath, but Lexa either doesn't hear it or simply ignores it as she continues what she was saying.

“- I think that I’ll just stay in, unpack and get a head start on some course work.”

Anya looks at her like she has grown an extra head.

“The year hasn't even started and you already want to get ahead on course work?”

Lexa answers with a stiff nod.

“Oh come on! It’s only going to be a couple of hours and-” Anya starts before being cut off.

“I don’t care!” Lexa snaps. “I told you that I don’t want to go out tonight, and I’m not going to. Stop try to pressure me into it.”

Before Anya can even respond, Lexa is up the stairs and she can hear her bedroom door slamming shut.

Anya sighs. Maybe she shouldn't have tried pushing so hard…

Up in her room, Lexa is breathing hard and fast. She can feel the panic attack coming and there is nothing that she can do about it.

Why couldn't Anya just welcome her back and leave it at that? Why did she have to try and force her to go out?

It’s the same every time.

Anya or her brother ask her to go out. She says no. They push. She snaps and retreats, only to struggle through a panic attack. Then they apologize the next time they see her and pretend everything is okay.

Everything is not okay.

Nothing is okay.

She slides her back down the door that she’s been leaning against since entering the room and sits next to her fallen bags.

Her breathing is rough and her body is trembling.

Without thinking she reaches into her bag and pulls out her phone.

 

**_8:03PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_help_

She doesn't know why she bothers sending the message. Sure she sent it to the one person who she feels might actually know how she’s feeling, but what can _Prisa_  actually do to help her at the moment.

She closes her eyes and leans her head back against the door while trying, and failing, to regulate her breathing.

Her eyes snap open a few minutes later when she feels her phone vibrate while still clenched in her hand.

 

**_8:05PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_What’s wrong? Are you okay?_  
  


**_8:06PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_panic attack_

 

She replies quickly, hoping that she won't be on the receiving end of any more questions.

She honestly doesn't know what she's hoping for, but it's too late to take it back now.

**_8:08PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Okay, this is what I need you to do._

_Place one hand over your chest and the other over your diaphragm. Then close your eyes and breathe in slowly through your nose, count to five and then release the breath through your nose. Try to make it so that only the hand above your diaphragm is moving up and down with each breath you take._

Lexa has no idea how _Prisa_ managed to type that out so fast but follows the instructions none the less. She closes her eyes and slowly breaths in and out through her nose while counting to five each time. She can feel the hand above her diaphragm moving up and down in time with each breath she takes, while she can feel her rapid heartbeat beneath the hand over her chest.

After a few minutes she can feel herself breathing a bit more steadily and her heart rate has slowed down a bit too.

She hears her phone vibrate again and quickly opens her eyes to check the message.

 

**_8:09PM  
Prisa_ **

_Next I want to keep up with the breathing, but focus your attention on your toes. While you’re breathing in curl your toes tightly and then relax them again when you exhale. After you've done this a few times, move on to tensing your feet, and then your calves, thighs, butt, stomach, chest, shoulders, neck, fingers hands and arms. Once you've done that, relax your entire body and go back to solely regulating your breathing._

Lexa is again surprised by the speed at which the longer message was typed, but quickly forgets about it as she follows the instructions given to her.

She keeps up the breathing exercise, but is now focusing on tensing her toes with every inhale, before relaxing them again with every exhale. Every couple minutes she moves on to the next part of her body before she is finally finished and back to primarily focusing on her breathing.

Twenty minutes later, her body is calm and relaxed while her breathing is steady once more.

She feels like she is about to fall asleep against her door when she hears her phone go off once more.

 

**_8:29PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Feeling a bit better?_

**_8:31PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Yes! How did you know to do that? I usually end up choking on air for hours before passing out or falling asleep._

She wishes that it was an exaggeration, but the truth is, the last panic attack she had lasted for almost three hours, and in the end, it only stopped when she passed out after almost suffocating.

 

**_8:33PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I still suffer from panic attacks sometimes too._

_I used to just ride them out as well, until one time my mom found me hyperventilating in the bathroom and walked me through what I just told you. It doesn't stop the panic attack straight away, but it helps distract you and regulates your breathing to help is pass by faster and more comfortably._

Lexa is in awe.

For nearly a year she’s been suffering from panic attacks. And all it took to calm her down this time was some deep breathing and a brief muscle exercise as a distraction.

She’s going to need to remember that for the future.

 

**_8:35PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Are you feeling okay now?_

**_8:36PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Yes, thank you._

**_8:38PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_No problem. No matter what the cause was, nobody deserves to suffer through something like that alone. I did for years and looking back, I have no idea how I managed it._

Lexa’s heart tightens in her chest. This other girl really does know what she’s going through, because she’s been through it all before, hell she’s still going through it now.

She makes a promise to herself that she will do whatever she can to help this person if they need anything, it’s the least that he can do after what she’s done for her.

She’s done more for Lexa in a week, than anyone else has in the past year.

 

**_8:41PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_You don’t have to suffer alone any more._

**_8:42PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Neither do you :)_ ****__  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thanks for reading! :)
> 
> Feel free to find me on Tumblr if you want! - ezreality7.tumblr.com
> 
> If you have any question I'd be happy to answer them here or on Tumblr!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Messaging Format  
> Left - Sent Message  
> Right - Recieved Message

For most, Monday morning ushered in another year of college.

For Clarke, it announced another year of stress and anxiety.

As Clarke wakes up, she turns off her alarm and slowly gets out of bed. By no means is Clarke a morning person, but she sees no point in laying around at the moment, so she gets out of bed and stretches her waking muscles.

The previous night she messaged _Heda_ for another twenty minutes just to make sure that she was okay, before saying an early goodnight and deciding to try and get some sleep.

Surprisingly it was rather easy for her to fall asleep after that.

She made the decision for an early night after the suggestion to _Heda_ that she consider working out in the mornings. It was something that she used to do herself to help with stress, and after making the suggestion, she decided that she wanted to start it up again.

Clarke prefers the early mornings because for one, there a rarely many other people at the gym, and two it’s a good way to help wake up and prepare one’s body for the day ahead.

That being the case, she quickly gets dressed in her gym clothes, grabs a drink bottle and pair of headphones off of her desk, then makes her way towards the door.

Being 5AM in the morning has the advantage of nobody else being up and about the house, so she doesn't have to deal with any interactions while exiting the house.

The house that her and her friends live in is only a ten minute walk from the college’s campus itself, and the gym is just on the edge of campus, so it only takes her around five minutes to get there at a light jog.

When she walks into the gym she finds more people then she expected to, but that’s probably just because it’s the first day of a new college year. Most of the people already there would stop showing up after a week or so, leaving room for the people more serious about working out.

It’s slightly frustrating for her to have to duck and squeeze through groups of people who are standing around the gym equipment. Why are they even there if they’re just socializing? That’s what the early morning cafes are for.

When she breaks through the crowd, she sees that the back half of the gym is still fairly packed as well, but it’s a lot quieter back there and more people are actually focusing on their work outs. There are a lot of people working out with weights of different kinds, but most of the people are doing cardio workouts on either the treadmills of the bikes.

Seeing as she jogged to the gym and she is planning to jog home, she figures that for the meantime she’ll ride one of the remaining unoccupied bikes, instead of taking one of the treadmills.

She searches for an unoccupied bike and see's a couple free on either side of a group of girls who are chatting away, she doesn't want to risk having to choose between socializing and coming across as rude so she searches in the other direction. Towards the end of the row of bikes, she sees a tanned brunette with headphones in who appears content to ignore the world with a free bike next to her.

Neither of the girls spare each other a glance as Clarke sets herself up on the bike and plugs in her headphones. After that she’s content to just forget about everything except her music and the bike for the next hour of her life.

 

* * *

 

After Clarke’s hour long workout at the gym. She made the quick jog home before having a quick shower and preparing for her first day back at college.

Now that she’s good to go for the day, she makes her way down the stairs towards the kitchen for a quick breakfast. When she walks through the door she sees both Octavia and Raven sitting around the table eating toast.

“Hi Raven.” She greets warmly and gives her friend a hug after not seeing her all summer.

Raven returns the embrace and smiles back up at her.

“Hey Griffin. Where’d you run off to this morning?”

“I just went to the gym. I decided last night that I wanted to get back into working out”

“Thanks for the invite.” Octavia glares at her playfully.

Clarke smiles before adopting a mock serious look.

“Sorry. Tomorrow I’ll wake you up at 5AM to come with me.”

Octavia swallows. Hard.

She’s not a morning person either.

“Umm, I think I’ll pass on that one. Thanks for the offer though...”

Clarke grins and fights back a chuckle while making her own toast.

She likes her friends when they’re like this. Just playful and relaxed. Not trying to force her into being someone that she isn’t.

“So how was space camp?” Clarke asks teasingly when she joins them at the table with her own breakfast.

“It was so great! I was nervous at first because I thought I’d just be making coffee and running errands. But from the first day I got there they had me working with one of their aerospace engineers. I basically helped him with everything he did over the summer and got a lot of great work experience.” Raven answered enthusiastically.

“That’s great, I’m happy for you.” Clarke replied with just as much enthusiasm.

“The fact that he was totally hot and very single was also a bonus!” Raven follows up with a cheeky wink to Octavia who laughs.

“I’m sure it did.”

After that, they eat the rest of their breakfasts and make small talk about their summers, that is until Octavia brings up something that makes Clarke hold in a sigh.

“I really wish you came last night Clarke. Raven even made it back early enough to join us.”

Letting out said sigh, Clarke’s smile becomes less genuine and more forces, but her friends don’t notice.

“Sorry,” She wasn't actually. “But as I said, it was a long train ride and I just wanted to crash and get a good night sleep.”

Octavia looks reluctant to accept it but eventually just sighs and picks up her plate.

“I just want you to come out with us more Clarke. Ever since you and Finn broke up, you've been so distant from us. We just want out best friend back.”

Clarke looks to Raven and notices the slightly guilty, slightly sheepish, look on her face.

She grits her teeth behind a thin smile. It took less than twenty four hours for her friends to be on her case once again.

It’s like they don’t even pay attention to what she says, unless she says something that they want to hear that is.

Don’t get her wrong, she loves them both, but damn they could get on her nerves.

 _Ever since you and Finn broke up._ It annoys her the way that Octavia slides over the fact that it was actually Clarke’s decision to break up with Finn and for good fucking reason too. Even so, they keep bringing it up as if it’s the reason that she’s distant sometimes.

It annoys her the way that they imply her breaking up with Finn was when everything started too. As if the two years prior to that weren't just as horrible. As if she hasn't been broken since her father died three years ago.

They won’t bring  _that_ up in front of her, but they still find other reasons to blame her changing on. Their favourite one being Finn.

And more than anything, it pisses Clarke off the way that they always say,  _We just want our best friend back,_  as if the person that she is now is temporary, and not who she really is.

News flash, the Clarke Griffin that you’re so intent on bringing back is gone. She died three years ago as well. Why can’t they just accept that? Why can’t they just accept that this is who she is now?

She wants so badly to blow up and say this all to them. She wants to tell them that the old Clarke died along with her father that night too. She wants to tell them that this is who she is now, and that they will just have to get used to it. She wants to know why they can’t just accept her for who she is, not who she was.

She wants to scream.

But she doesn't.

Because they've had this exact conversation more times than she can count.

And she gave up trying to explain it to them after the first ten times that they brought it back up again.

So instead she does what she does best.

She puts on a fake smile and lies through her teeth.

“Look, I’m sorry that I didn't come out last night, I really was just tired. And I know that you just want me to enjoy college and go out to all the parties with you, but you know how important becoming a doctor is to me, so I’m sorry, but that is my first priority. If it makes you feel any better though, I promise to TRY and go out with you more this year.” She says in her fake reassuring voice while watching their faces light up. “But I’m not making any guarantees.”

Both girls seem to buy her speech and send her happy grins before grabbing their bags and pulling her towards the front door.

“Come on, let’s walk together.”

 

* * *

 

 

That afternoon, after a busy morning of classes, Clarke is sitting in one of the campus libraries surrounded by open text books and sheets of loose paper.

It was her first day back and she already has two papers to write and a presentation to give before the end of the week.

It already looks like it is going to be another hectic year for her, if the first morning worth of classes is anything to go by.

Deciding to take a quick break from her work, she pulls out her headphones and looks towards her phone. She usually tries not to check it while studying, because it just turns into a distraction, but she’s already felt it vibrate a couple times since she got to the library so she caves to curiosity and checks it anyway.

The first thing she realizes is that the time is 4:37PM, meaning that she’s already been there for a few hours, the next is a message from Octavia.

 

**_4:21PM_ **

**_O._ **

_Hey where are you, I’m with Raven and we want to hang out with you :) x_

**_4:38PM_ **

**_Clarke Griffin_ **

_I’m in the library across from Jaha’s. If you’re coming grab me a coffee on your way past and please try not to be too distracting, I already have assignments to work on._

She receives a reply almost instantly.

 

**_4:39PM_ **

**_O._ **

_We’re on our way!_

Clarke sighs and cleans up most of her work. She knows that if her friends are coming, she won’t be able to get much more work done. But she keeps out one of her papers with the hope of getting some of it done.

Once the table in front of her is neat and tidy she goes back to her phone to check for other messages.

She subconsciously smiles when she sees a notification from PenPal.

 

**_3:47PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I took your advice this morning and went for a workout this morning._

**_4:45PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Oh? How’d it go? :)_

Clarke assumes the reply will take a while because she took almost an hour to reply, so she goes back to reading her textbook and working on the paper that she kept out.

It’s only a few minute though, before she gets a reply.

**_4:49PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_It was really nice. I've felt really energized all day :) Thanks again for the suggestion._

**_4:50PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Any time_ _:) So how’d you’re first day back at college go?_

**_5:51PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Ugh, it was fine. I already have so much work though._

**_5:52PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I know how you feel. I’ve got two papers and a presentation to do before the end of the week and I only had two classes today!_

_Wtf?!_

**_5:53PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Ouch that’s really rough._

**_5:54PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_You don’t have to tell me twice._

_What’re you up to this afternoon?_

“Clarke!”

She looks up to see Raven and Octavia sitting across the table from her with intrigued looks on their faces.

“What?”

“We've been sitting here for three minutes and you didn't even notice. Is everything okay?” It’s Octavia that asks. She looks slightly concerned, but mostly just curious.

“Yeah I’m good. Sorry. How was class?”

Clarke takes the coffee offered to her by Raven and listens in while her friends tell her about their day. While they’re talking she quickly reads a message on her phone before typing out a quick reply.

 

**_5:55PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Study, study, study. You?_

**_5:59PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Much the same. Well providing my friends don’t distract me too much that is._

She zoned out for part of the conversation but when she tunes back in she hears Octavia asking Raven something.

“Are Monty, Nathan and Jasper still joining us?”

“Yeah they’re on their way now.” Raven answers her.

“Wait what?” Clarke intervenes.

“Seeing as you didn't come out with us last night to catch up, we decided we’d all come to you.” Raven answers again with a grin.

So typical.

Clarke bites back her sigh and retains the fake smile on her face.

"What about Bellamy?" Raven asks, turning back to Octavia.

"I asked him earlier if he wanted to catch up, but apparently he already has plans for most of the week... How is that even possible, it's only our first day back for gods sake! So we'll have to wait for Lincoln's birthday to see him, apparently he wants to come and make sure Lincoln is 'good enough' for me." Octavia replies sarcastically while emphasising her words.

Clarke decides to tune out of the conversation again until the others get there.

 

**_6:00PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Oh?_

**_6:04PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Yeah… I went the library to try and get some work done. But they found me and now apparently the whole crew is coming to me because I didn't want to go out with them last night._

**_6:05PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Fun times!_

Grudgingly, Clarke smiles a genuine smile at her own expense.

**_6:06PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Totally -.-_

Clarke looks up from her phone when she hears people taking seats around her. She looks up to see Monty and Nathan joining the table to her right, and Jasper on the left.

“Hey guys. Long time no see.” She greets them with a smile.

“Clarke! We missed you last night. How was your summer?” Jasper asks with his usual enthusiasm.

“It was okay, thanks, very busy at the hospital with mom.” She answers and receives a nod and smile in acknowledgement before she turns to Monty and Nathan. “Hey guys, how’s official couple life going?”

They both smile brightly and she can’t help but return it at seeing how genuinely happy they look.

“It’s great.” They both answer at the same time.

After a few minutes of idle small talk, Clarke falls out of the conversation and goes back to her phone.

 

**_6:07PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Surely it’s not THAT bad?_

**_6:13PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_It’s not I guess. I love my friends, I really do. But sometimes they just get so hooked up on who I used to be and can’t accept me for who I am now…_

**_6:14PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Oh. I know exactly what you mean._

Clarke is about to reply when she sees Monty shifting towards her in her peripheral vision.

“I’m sorry again about Jasper registering you without your permission Clarke.” He tells her apologetically.

“It’s okay. Really it is.” She responds with a warm smile.

“If you don't mind me asking... How have you liked it? Have you and your partner talked much?”

“We have actually. It’s been a lot better than I expected it to be.” She answers genuinely.

Monty looks surprised by her answer, but is happy nonetheless.

“And the app works really well. I haven’t had any issues with it so far. You guys did a great job with it.”

Monty’s look of surprise turns into a proud and thankful smile.

Apparently their conversation had become the centre of attention because the rest of the table has gone quiet and are now observing the exchange.

“What are you two whispering about?” Octavia asks playfully, while the others look on curiously.

“I was just asking Clarke how she’s found the app Jasper and I made over the summer.” Monty answers for them.

“Oh, the PenPal thing?” Raven questions.

“Mhm.” Monty hums in the affirmative.

“I didn't think you’d be into something like that Clarke.” Octavia says, slightly confused.

God she doesn't even know how judgemental that sounds.

Clarke sighs.

“Well I didn't actually sign up for it-” Jasper gives a guilty chuckle. “- but I decided to try it out anyway, to help out friends, and discovered that it’s pretty cool.”

“That’s great Clarke. Monty was really happy when he said you replied to his email saying that you’d give it a go. It meant a lot to him, so it meant a lot to me too. Thanks.” Nathan smiles warmly.

“Anything for my favourite couple.” Clarke replies with a playfully, causing both Monty and Nathan to laugh.

“Hey! I shouldn't Lincoln and I be your favourite couple?” Octavia whines.

“Nope.” Is Clarke's simple answer, earning a mock glare from Octavia and chuckles from the others.

She takes the break in conversation as a chance to check her phone again.

 

**_6:19PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_You have similar issues with your friends?_

**_6:20PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Yeah, pretty much._

**_6:21PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Is it just me, or do we have a scary amount in common? :P_

**_6:22PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_It’s not just you :P I was starting to think the same thing._

“Anyway I've gotta go. I’m meeting Lincoln at Jaha’s for a coffee date. I’ll see you guys at home later.” Octavia leaves with a wave.

“We should probably head off too.” Monty says gesturing between himself, Nathan and Jasper, seeing as they all live together, along with Nathan's best friend, who just so happens to be Octavia's brother, Bellamy.

Clarke gets up and exchanges hugs with the three and says goodbye as they leave.

When she turns back to the table, Raven is getting up and looking at her.

“Want to walk home together? I want to tell you more about my summer, if you’re up for it?” Raven offers with a smile.

Clarke smiles in return. Happy for the company, but mostly for the fact that the conversational topic won’t be focused on her.

 

* * *

 

 

**_10:17PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Tell me something to draw._

Lexa is slightly confused when she looks at her phone after hearing it go off and reading that as the message.

 

**_10:19PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Huh?_

**_10:20PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I need something to draw, it helps me calm down._

_Please._

**_10:21PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Oh, sure. Give me a sec._

She’s not sure what to suggest for the other girl to draw. She looks over to her laptop screen where it’s playing _Prisa’s_ Spotify playlist and see's that her favourite song had just started.

 

**_10:22PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Black Dahlia._

**_10:23PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_As in the song? By Hollywood Undead?_

**_10:24PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Well yes… I’m currently listening to it, but I meant you could draw the flower?_

**_10:25PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Okay thanks :)_

**_10:26PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_You okay?_

It felt really strange for Lexa to ask someone else that question. Especially seeing as people have been asking it to her for the past year. But it just felt like the right thing to do, especially after all _Prisa_ has done for her in the past week.

 

**_10:29PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Not really…_

Lexa frowns.

**_10:30PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Do you want to talk about it?_

**_10:31PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_It’s just my friends… Again…_

**_10:32PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_What happened?_

**_10:36PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I left the library with one of my friends and we walked home together, which was fine, we didn't see each other over the summer so it was nice to spend a bit of time with her. She told me more about her summer and we just used the time to catch up a bit while our other house mate was out on a date with her boyfriend._

**_10:37PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Go on._

**_10:39PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_It was nice talking and everything but towards the end, she just kept dropping hints about how much I've changed…_

**_10:40PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Sometimes change is inevitable._

**_10:42PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I know, I've accepted that, but my friends don’t seem to be able to grasp the concept!_

**_10:43PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Can you give me an example?_

**_10:47PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Umm, she was telling me about this massive party she went to during her summer and said stuff like "the old you would have love it.” It’s not just her, but it’s like all of my friends can’t accept that I’m not the same person that I used to be. Isn't that part of human nature? To change as your grow up?_

Lexa has been asking herself the same question for a long time.

**_10:48PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_That must be frustrating for you._

**_10:49PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Oh it is, but that’s not even the worst part._

**_10:50PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_What is?_

**_10:55PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_When my other friend for home from her date, they both cornered me about going out with them this weekend. Like literally this morning, I told them that college was my first propriety and not parties._

_It’s like they don’t even fucking listen to me!_

Lexa feels a massive sense of déjà vu after reading the previous message. When she got home herself, Anya and her brother were both trying to convince her into partying with them the coming weekend.

She really doesn't want to, but considering it’s her brother’s birthday, she probably won’t get much choice in the matter.

She lets out a sigh and then focuses her attention back to her phone.

**_10:57PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Is college actually the reason you want to go?_

**_10:58PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_What do you mean?_

**_11:00PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I mean that college is the same excuse I used every time my friends pressure me into going out with them._

**_11:02PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Damn, I should have known that if anyone got it, it would be you._

_No, the real reason that I don’t want to go is because crowds make me anxious, and drunk people make me feel nervous._

_Bad memories…_

Lexa doesn't like the sound of that. She’s tempted to ask further about it, but decides not to push her luck.

****

**_11:03PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I can empathize with you there._

**_11:06PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Why can’t my friends empathize too? I mean, they’re supposed to be my best friends. If I say I don’t want to go, they shouldn't try to force me, right?!_

**_11:07PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I agree, they should not._

**_11:09PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_In the end I got really defensive because they were ganging up on me._

**_11:10PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_That’s an understandable reaction._

It really was, hell, Lexa gets defensive all the time when Lincoln and Anya gang up on her about something. The annoying part is that it seems to be happening more and more lately.

She doesn't know how much more of it she will be able to take before it’s too much.

**_11:14PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_They just wouldn't back down though. They kept on going on about how much I needed this and how good it would be for me to get out._

_The party is meant to be for my friend’s boyfriend’s birthday, but I barely even know the guy for fuck sake!_

She feels a sense of déjà vu again but ignores it this time.

**_11:16PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_How did you end up resolving the issue?_

**_11:18PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_When they wouldn't take no for an answer I lost my temper and told them I’d think about it, then I stormed off and locked myself in my room._

_And they both know not to follow me into my room. It's like my number one rule that nobody fucks with. Nobody is allowed in my room, ever._

 

**_11:20PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Well that’s not so bad is it?_

_If you said you’d think about it, you’re not actually under any obligation to go._

**_11:22PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I know that. But my friend don’t._

_By saying that I’d think about it, they’re practically convinced that it’s a guaranteed yes. And now if I don’t go, I’ll never hear the end of it -.-_

Lexa can relate. She’s lost count of the times people have tried to guilt trip her into going out with them to parties or social gatherings in the past year.

**_11:23PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_That’s rough…_

**_11:25PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Ugh, why can’t they just fucking accept me for who I am? Why must they hold onto the person that I used to be?!_

**_11:27PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Some people just can’t let go of the past I suppose._

**_11:29PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_How ironic, seeing as we’re two of those people._

_That can’t let go of the past I mean._

Lexa can’t help but chuckle softly in spite of herself at that, it's true after all.

**_11:30PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Funny how things like that work hey?_

**_11:32PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I don’t know about funny, I’d go more along the lines of annoying or frustrating._

**_11:34PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I’d probably have to agree with you there._

**_11:35PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Ugh, my friends are just so exhausting sometimes, I guess._

**_11:37PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I know exactly how you feel._

She really does.

**_11:39PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Sigh. Sorry for ranting to you. They just really got under my skin and I needed to unload a little._

**_11:41PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I’m glad to have helped, even if only a little bit._

**_11:44PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Between giving me something to draw and someone to talk to, it’s helped calm me down a lot._

_Thankyou._

**_11:47PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_You've_ _done a lot more for me, so listening was the least I could do._

_And we both said that we’d be there for each other didn’t we?_

**_11:48PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_We did :)_

Lexa smiles at that.

She doesn't know the exact reason why.

But it feels refreshing for her to have someone to talk to. And even though neither of them really know about the others past, they both just… Understand each other somehow.

**_11:49PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Good :)_

**_11:51PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I’m feeling a lot better :)_

**_11:52PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_I’m glad :)_

**_11:53PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_We should both probably try to get some sleep._

**_11:55PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Indeed we should. I’m planning on getting up early again to work out._

**_11:56PM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Me too :) Goodnight, and thanks again!_

**_11:58PM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_You’re welcome :) Goodnight._

Lexa puts her phone down for the night, eager to try and get to sleep so that she will be able to get up early enough to go to the gym again.

She closes her eyes and starts to relax for a few minutes, but she is distracted by her phone going off again.

When she picks up the phone, she notices that the time has just passed midnight and stares at the notification.

****

**_PenPal:_ ** _Prisa has sent you a photo._

****

Curiosity wins her over and she unlocks her phone before going into the app.

When she opens the photo her mouth falls open in awe.

 _Prisa_ sent her a photo of what she must have been drawing while she vented. On the page in the sketchbook is a rough but elegant pencil sketch of a beautiful flower. There are multiple sharp thorns going up the stem and a few loose leaves hanging off the side. At the top the stem opens up to show a beautifully blooming flower.

A black dahlia.

There are some petals floating down away from the flower towards the ground. It was only then, as Lexa followed the trail of falling petals with her eyes, that she noticed the petals were falling into a pattern which spelt out a word in the shadow of the beautiful flower…

 _Heda_.

Her fingers slowly trace over the photo while she admired the beautiful sketch.

She taps on the speech bubble next to the photo and it brings up a message that is attached to the photo.

 

**_00:01AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Work in progress. I hope you like it :) Goodnight!_

Lexa can’t help but feel honoured by the sketch. Without even realizing it, for the first time in over a year, she falls asleep with a warm heart and a soft smile on her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After re-reading this chapter I feel the need to state that this story isn't about Clarke hating on her friends and being self centred and angry at the world. I know that she may come across that way sometimes, but that isn't meant to be the focus. I myself have been in certain situations where, even though my friends have tried to help me and be supportive, I have interpreted it as them being pushy and interfering, it is just the way the mind can work sometimes when faced with difficult situations. And yes Clarke's emotions may seem to be all over the place at times, but once again, that's just how depression can be sometimes.
> 
> As always thanks for reading! :)
> 
> Feel free to find me on Tumblr if you want! - ezreality7.tumblr.com
> 
> If you have any question I'd be happy to answer them here or on Tumblr!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Messaging Format  
> Left - Sent Messages  
> Right - Received Messages

The next morning Clarke woke up at her usual time and repeated the previous morning’s activities. She got dressed, made the jog towards the gym and after a decent workout, she jogged home again.

When she arrived back at the house that she shares with her friends she went straight up for a shower, then got dressed and packed her bag for the day.

Now as she walks down the stairs towards the kitchen for a quick breakfast before a busy day, she can hear her friends talking quietly in the room she’s headed to.

She contemplates just skipping breakfast and avoiding conversation with them, but quickly realizes that it would be pointless because she can’t avoid them forever.

She sighs and adopts her mask before strolling into the kitchen with a pleasant smile on her face. She offers a quick good morning to her friends and busies herself with making toast and pouring juice.

She can feel her friend’s eyes on the back of her head and she knows exactly what they are going to say the second that she turns around. So she takes her time, carefully buttering her toast and pouring the perfect amount of juice. She even takes a long gulp of the liquid before turning to face the inevitable, simply to prolong the encounter by a few extra seconds.

“Alright what? What are you both staring at me for?” Clarke asks nonchalantly as she turns to face them before joining them at the table.

“We weren't staring.” Raven tries to defend.

“I was.” Octavia admits with a playful glint in her eyes as Raven turns to glare at her. “What? How could I not? We both know she who has the best ass in this house, and it’s neither of us.” She finishes teasingly towards Raven who scoffs.

Clarke tries not to roll her eyes and burst out laughing. Octavia always has been the shameless flirt of the group. She usually uses it as a tactic to catch Clarke off guard before getting to the point, not that Clarke ever actually falls for the ploy though.

“While I agree with you-” Clarke begins, Raven rolls her eyes and Octavia just grins, “-I would prefer that you just skip the pleasantries and get to the point.”

“Have you thought about Friday yet?” Octavia asks instantly.

Clarke pauses for a moment, she knew that it was coming, but that she still could not actually believing that her friends were bringing this up again already. It was less than twelve hours ago since they were harassing her about it for god’s sake.

“You do realize that it was only last night that you were riding me about going to your boyfriends ‘birthday bash’ right?” She asks incredulously.

“Clarke… You said you’d think about it, you've had time to think, and either way we all know that you are coming with us, so why not just accept it already?” Raven buts in with a victorious grin.

Clarke lets out a bitter sigh – which seems to be happening more and more lately – and rubs her temples. She can feel her mask slipping and knows that she is about to snap at her friends again, so she takes a slow breath to calm herself down.

“You do know that I really, REALLY don’t want to go to this thing right?” She asks, almost pleadingly.

“We know that you really, REALLY don’t want to go-” Raven starts.

“But we also know that you really, REALLY need to go.” Octavia finishes.

Clarke can only sit there staring at her friends with exasperation.

“You’re not letting this go are you?” She finally asks in a defeated tone.

“Nope.” They both answer.

“Fine I’ll fucking go, but after Friday if either of you get on my case again within the month I’m moving out.” She snaps, not even caring that her mask completely fell off momentarily. She gets up, drops her dishes in the sink and quickly leaves the house.

Octavia and Raven are left frozen sitting at the table. Both in shock at the seriousness behind Clarke’s words. They knew her well enough to know that she meant exactly what she said and it made them both extremely nervous.

“Did we push her too far this time?”

“Probably… But this is for her own good right?”

“Right…”

 

* * *

 

Clarke’s week blurred past her a lot faster then she had hoped. The days and nights seems to blend together and she knew it was all due to the trepidation she felt towards Friday night.

She tried to maintain her normal schedule and for the most part was successful. She kept going to the gym every morning. She’d shower and have breakfast when she got home and then head to college for the day. After all of her classes she would spend a few hours in the afternoon or early evening, studying in the library, before getting a coffee from Jaha’s and heading home. Each night that she arrived home, she’d make herself a quick dinner and head up to her room, staying there for the rest of the night.

She also talked to _Heda_ a few times. They didn’t talk about anything of significance seeing as they were both pretty busy throughout the week, but it was still nice to just chat about random things every now and then.

For the most part, she avoided her friends. Still annoyed at the fact that they pushed her so far that it made her drop her mask in front of them. And her friends seemed to be on eggshells around her, apparently they realized that she was serious when she snapped at them on Tuesday morning.

Now though, Clarke can’t avoid her friends any more. It’s 8PM on Friday night and they’re about to go to Octavia’s boyfriend’s – Lincoln is his name if she remembers correctly – ‘birthday bash.’

She can hear her friends getting ready and calling out to each other from their bedrooms, asking to borrow makeup or jewellery, as if it was an important event, not just another random college birthday party.

Clarke herself decides that there is no way that she is wearing what her friends suggested for her. They came to her door earlier, both knew not to try and enter her room, to help her choose an outfit. But she was quick fend them off and remind them that she had plenty of her own clothes.

So instead of helping her choose something, they retreated to Octavia’s room and came back with a tight, mid-thigh length black dress for her to wear. They left it on the door handle and went back to getting themselves ready.

Clarke eyed the dress for a few moments, knowing that she would look damn good in it, but decided that there was no way that she wanted to wear it.

So instead, she’s now wearing a pair of tight black skinny jeans with a slim fitting dark blue sleeveless top with a folded down white collar. She has her hair up with a few loose bangs hanging neatly to frame either side of her face. She doesn't bother with makeup.

Looking in the mirror she can’t help the small grin that appears.

She’s not arrogant, but she looks good, and she knows it. The jeans fit her legs nicely as does the top, the whole outfit highlights her curves and makes her look great. She does a quick spin to appreciate herself from all angles, gives an approving hum – definitely not arrogant - picks up her phone and heads to the bedroom door.

“What happened to the dress we chose for you?” Octavia asks when they meet at the top of the stairs.

“It’s still hanging on the door.” Is Clarke’s simple response.

“Aww but it would have looked so good on you Clarke.”

“I know.” Clarke says with some humour in her voice.

Octavia takes it as a good sign and wraps her arm around Clarke’s shoulder as they descend to the front door.

“It’s alright, you still look hot to me.” Octavia whispers and adds a wink on the end for dramatic effect.

Clarke tries to maintain a straight face, but it’s hard, if Octavia is good at anything, it’s lightening the mood.

“I know.” Clarke answers again and this time the both burst out laughing.

When the two laughing friends meet Raven at the door she raises an inquisitive eyebrow to them.

“Octavia is just jealous that I don’t have to wear a short dress to look better than her.” Clarke answers playfully.

She figures she may as well try and make the most of the good mood that she’s found herself in. Because she knows that once they’re at the party, surrounded by loud music and alcohol, it probably won’t last for long.

“Some people just have better genes than other I suppose.” Raven responds just as playfully.

“Hey! You’re supposed to be on my side!” Octavia whines.

“Sorry O. But I am on the side of truth!” Raven response dramatically, resulting in another round of laughter from the girls.

“Come on, let’s go.”

 

* * *

They arrive at the party around ten minutes later. They decided to walk so that they could all drink, even though Clarke offered multiple times to be the designated driver.

She could hear the music playing from a block away, and now that she’s walking up to the front door, it’s even louder. There are already people covering the front porch, standing around with drinks while talking and laughing.

She sighs. She knows it’s going to be a long night.

They enter the front door and Clarke is nearly knocked backwards by the smell of alcohol coming from inside. It makes her feel sick in her stomach and she already wants to turn around and leave. But with Octavia in front of her, and Raven behind her, there is nowhere to go.

Octavia’s boyfriend spots them as they come in and quickly comes across to great them. He gives Octavia a quick kiss before turning to the others.

“Hey guys, thanks for coming!” He all but shouts over the music.

“Free alcohol and loud music, thank you for having me!” Raven shouts back, even though they’re standing no further than three feet apart, Clarke wouldn't be surprised if he still had trouble hearing her though. “Happy Birthday!”

When he looks in Clarke’s direction, she just gives him what she hopes is a warm smile and quick nod in greeting. He seems to buy it as he beams back at her.

Happy enough with how the introductions went he turns back to Octavia and shouts something that Clarke barely makes out.

“Come on, I want to introduce you to some of my friends and then my sister, she has to be hiding around here somewhere.” And with that he takes her hand and leads her into the crowd of people.

Clarke feels a tug on her own arm and turns to see Raven smiling at her like a kid in a candy store.

“Come on, let’s go get a drink.” Raven calls out.

Clarke doesn't want to, she already decided that she wasn't going to drink tonight, but she goes along with Raven anyway, not wanting to be ditched at a party that she didn’t even want to go to, no longer than five minutes after arriving.

After Raven picks up a drink for herself she then grabs another one and offers it to Clarke.

Clarke doesn't want to take it, but she does to keep her friend happy. She can just carry it around for a while and ditch it later. If she doesn't take it though, she knows that she’ll get a lecture about how she needs to lighten up and have a bit of fun.

So she takes the drink.

When they turn they nearly walk into two familiar people.

“Whoa, hey guys!” Raven greets enthusiastically.

“Hi!” Monty and Nathan both respond before trading hugs with the girls.

“Jasper and Bellamy are reserving a couple couches in the other room while we get drinks, you should join us.”

“We will.” Clarke answers immediately, not even giving Raven a chance to respond.

A few minutes later Clarke, Raven, Monty, Nathan, Jasper and Bellamy are all sitting on the two couches and chatting over the loud music. Octavia still hasn't returned.

Against previous doubts, Clarke is starting to enjoy herself. It’s been a long time since she’s been out like this with her friends, and for the moment, everything is pretty good.

She’s sitting between Bellamy and Raven on one of the couches while watching a game of beer pong across the room.

“How’s your first week back been?” Bellamy asks from next to her, even in the close proximity, she can barely make out his words. Luckily for her, she is a pretty good lip reader.

She turns to the curly haired brunette who has a big smile across his face. Classic Bellamy, always in a cheerful mood, she always appreciated that about him.

“It’s been okay, really busy though!” She responds.

“Not a big surprise for you, Doctor Griffin.”

She lets out a light laugh at his playful tone and loses herself in light conversation with her friends for the next twenty minutes. Every now and then, someone gets up to get another drink before coming back a few minutes later.

She listens to Raven tell the boys about how her internship at NASA went, she listens to Monty and Nathan talk about their holidays together, and she can’t help but smile when they tell stories about meeting each other’s parents. She listens to Jasper when he tells them about a girl, Maya, that he met over the summer that he ‘kinda-sorta’ dated. And finally she listened to Bellamy tell them about how his summer was spent travelling and exploring the world.

When it got to her turn, she told them about her summer working at the hospital with her mother, and even though she didn’t think it was that interesting a story to tell, they all seemed interested and encouraging.

She realized that she might have been wrong about going to the party after all. She was actually having a really nice time. She just hoped that nothing would spoil her mood before the night ended…

“Hey look, the beer pong table is free.” Jasper announced to the group, slurring his words slightly. The alcohol was obviously starting to have an effect him.

“Awesome let’s have a game!” Raven seems excited by the idea. Probably because she never loses at beer pong.

“You guys go for it. Monty is our designated driver for tonight, and I don’t want to leave him all alone. We’ll referee or something.” Nathan announces and receives a grateful smile from his boyfriend.

Bellamy goes to say something but is cut off by an excited declaration from Jasper.

“I dibs Raven as my team mate!”

Raven gets a smug grin at that and turns back towards Bellamy.

Bellamy just smiles and shrugs before turning towards Clarke.

“Let’s show these suckers how to play. What do you say princess?” He asks.

And there it is.

Bellamy winces.

Clarke knew that she was having too much fun.

She knew that something had to give and ruin her mood.

And it appears that that something was an old nickname.

Bellamy instantly realized what he’d said and even after offering an apologetic frown he cops an elbow from Raven.

Clarke already has old memories flashing through her mind, and wants nothing more than to be back at home, in the quiet solitude of her room.

“Clark I’m s-” Bellamy begins, but is cut off when Clarke abruptly gets up.

“I uh- I’m just going to go to the bathroom.” She rushes out and quickly moves towards the stairs, ignoring the calls from her friends to come back.

Of course something had to go wrong.

Something always went wrong.

 

* * *

 

Lexa sighs for what feels like the hundredth time so far that night. Being her brother’s party and it being in her house, she didn’t really have much choice but to attend.

So that’s how she finds herself leaning against the railing on the back porch with Anya and some of their friends.

She is happy enough to just lean back and listen to them talk about how their summers were and how their first week back at college was. Every now and then she adds in a comment or a fake smile to make it look like she’s partaking in the conversation.

Still though, she’d much prefer to just ditch and go up to her room and study. She almost laughs at herself after that realization. She really isn’t a typical college girl.

She is brought out of her thoughts when she feels a tug on her shoulder. She whirls around, ready to turn down whoever it is wanting to offer her a drink or ask her to dance, it’s already happened multiple times that night, but she is relieved when it is just her brother.

“Hey Linc, I've barely seen you all night.” She tells him while giving the birthday boy a hug.

“Maybe I you weren't hiding out here you would have.” He says back playfully.

Lexa is about to respond with her own witty retort when she notices the pretty girl next to him with dark brown hair, who she assumes is his girlfriend, Octavia.

Being the brilliant sister that she obviously is, she puts on a welcoming smile and greets the girl. She figures it’s the least she could do after avoiding meeting her earlier in the week. It’s not that she didn’t want to meet the girl, she just didn’t want to have to go out to do it. Besides, she was happy for the distraction.

“Hi, you must be Octavia. I’m Lexa, Lincoln’s sister. I've heard a lot of great things about you.”

The shorter brunette beams at the warm greeting and returns it wholeheartedly.

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Lincoln talks about you all the time too.” She smiles and offers her hand which Lexa shakes.

Lincoln smiles warmly at the two girls, happy that their first meeting was going so well.

“Do you want to come in with us to get a drink?” He asks his sister who gives him a smile and nods.

Lexa and Octavia follow him back inside, making idle chit chat about college. When they get to the kitchen, Lincoln starts making their drinks and Octavia turns fully towards Lexa with a big grin.

“Lexa, Lincoln tells me that you’re a big fan of Clarke Griffin.”

“Um what?” Is her brilliant response. She is rather caught off guard by the statement.

“He said that you were a fan of her artwork.”

“Oh yeah, I've been following her on Instagram for a few months now. I find her work to be rather... emotional.” Lexa explains, still not sure why the topic was suddenly brought up.

“If you want, I could introduce you to her?” Octavia offers.

“Huh?” Lexa replies, brilliantly forming her words once again. If she wasn't sure that she’d barely sipped on her previous drink, she might have thought that she was drunk.

“She’s my house mate and best friend. She’s actually here tonight.”

Well that was unexpected.

“Umm sure, maybe later when it quiets down a bit?” She asks.

Sure meeting her favourite artist, not that she’d admit that out loud, and well only artist that she followed, would be pretty cool. But what was she supposed to say to the girl.

_Hey I find your artwork brilliant, I really connect to it on an emotional level. Say, do you suffer from depression because your work really gives off some vibes._

Somehow she figures that wouldn't be the best conversation starter.

“Awesome.” Octavia beams. “Just let me know when you’re keen.”

Lincoln watches the exchange with a smile before giving the girls their drinks.

“Come on, let’s dance.” Octavia says, grabbing her drink and gesturing Lincoln into the next room.

“Will you be okay Lexa?” He asks his sister, not wanting to ditch her, just after inviting her inside.

“Yeah I’m good, I’ll just head back out to Anya and the girls.” She answers with a smile.

Lincoln is happy enough with the answer, and follows his girlfriend into the next room.

Lexa ditches her drink and heads upstairs towards her room. Happy for a chance to escape some of the noise for a bit and just take a few minutes to relax, without the smell of alcohol surrounding her.

When she walks into her room, she notices that her balcony door is slightly open. She lets out a sigh and gets ready to tell whoever came into her room and decided to use her balcony for a late night make out, to get lost.

When she opens the door and steps out into the cold though, she is surprised at what she finds.

She sees a girl sitting on one of her chairs near the railing with her head leaning back, eyes gazing up at the starry night sky. She has bright blonde hair and is wearing tight black jeans with a blue top. Lexa can’t see the girl’s eyes because her back is turned to the door, but she can hear faint sniffling.

Was she crying?

Lexa coughs softly into her hand, hoping to announce her presence without starting the girl.

It doesn't work though.

The blonde jumps up from the chair and turns around quickly with wide eyes.

“I- Sorry- I didn’t mean to intrude- I just wanted to get some air- away from the crowd- I’ll be going now.” She rushes out, cutting herself off multiple times.

Lexa can now see the blondes piercing blue eyes, although they were surrounded with the red signs of crying, and she could see faint tear tracks going down the girl’s cheeks.

What surprised her the most though was that she actually recognized the girl, she didn’t know her name, but she’d seen her around since returning to college, she just couldn't exactly remember where.

“Its fine, you don’t have to go.” Lexa offers the girl. It would be cruel to make her leave in her current state.

“No- I should-”

“Stay. It’s okay, really.” Lexa tells her firmly, moving back into her bedroom.

She returns to the balcony a moment later to find the blonde looking at her with confusion.

“Here, put this on, it’s freezing out here and it’s starting to rain.” Lexa tells her while offering the girl a hoody.

The blonde seems hesitant to accept it, but after holding it up for her for a while, she takes it and slips it over her head.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Lexa moves to the other chair, slightly across from where the blonde was sitting and sits down, resting her feet on the rail and looking up to the stars. She can feel soft droplets of water falling on her face, but it’s not enough to be annoying, so she just takes in the night sky above her.

It takes a couple minutes until she hears the blonde return to her original seat.

Neither of them say anything to each other for a while. Both seem content to just enjoy the quiet, well as quiet as it can be with a college party going on down stairs, and gaze up at the night sky.

“My names Lexa. Lexa Woods.” She introduces herself after a while of comfortable silence, not bothering to turn her eyes away from the sky.

“Lincoln’s sister?”

“The one and only.”

“I’m Clarke.” The blonde introduces herself. “Octavia’s friend.”

Lexa hums her acknowledgement and they both continue looking up at the night sky until Lexa remembers what Octavia told her earlier.

“Clarke Griffin?” She asks, even though she already knows the answer.

“Yep.”

“Nice to meet you, Clarke.” She doesn't know why she added the girl’s name, but it just seems to roll off her tongue, so she went with it.

“How’d you know my full name?” Clarke asks her, not in accusation, just simple curiosity.

“When I met Octavia before, she offered to introduce us.”

The blonde sighs and Lexa is confused again, maybe even slightly offended?

“That sounds typical of Octavia. Every time I go out with her, she tries to set me up with someone.”

Oh.

“Oh… I don’t know if that was her motive, I think it was just because my brother told her that I was a fan of your artwork.”

Lexa internally face palmed at how lame that sounded.

_Great job, who doesn't love coming across as a fan girl._

“Oh… Thanks.” Clarke actually seems genuinely pleased.

Lexa looks across at the girl sitting across from her. For the first time she fully takes in the blonde’s appearance. The soft smile that is now playing across her lips. The sky blue colour in her eyes. The blonde bangs framing her face neatly. The way the moonlight paints her face in picturesque-

She stops her train of thought when she realizes where it’s going and shakes her head.

“Not big on parties?” She asks, wanting to start up some kind of conversation to distract herself.

“Nope.” Is Clarke’s simple answer. “I guess you’re not either?”

“What makes you say that?”

“Well instead of enjoying your brothers ‘birthday bash’ with everyone else, you’re sitting up here, in the cold, getting rained on, with the girl you found crying on your balcony.”

Well apparently Clarke is a girl that speaks her mind, Lexa appreciates that.

“Maybe I’m not big on parties, or maybe I just thought the company was better up here.” She responds before she can stop herself. When she realizes what she said though, she points her eyes back up towards the sky, completely missing the small smile grow slightly on the other girls face.

“I’ll assume it’s the former.” She can hear the smile in the blonde’s voice though.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She offers.

“Not particularly…”

Lexa accepts the answer, and they fall back into silence for another few minutes before the blonde breaks it.

“As you said, I’m not big on parties. Crowds and alcohol, not really my scene any more. And my friend said something which upset me, an emotional trigger of sorts I guess, so I just wanted to get away from it all for a little while.”

She is surprised at the blonde’s honesty. She picks up on her use of the words ‘any more’ but doesn't question it. Instead she just offers back her own honest reasoning for leaving the party downstairs.

“I didn’t really want to go to the party either. But seeing as it’s my brother’s birthday and it’s in our house, I didn’t really have much of a choice.”

Clarke hums her acknowledgement of Lexa’s words and goes to say something else, but is interrupted by her phone buzzing in her pocket.

She pulls it out and frowns when looking at the screen.

“Do you mind if I answer it, it’s probably just my friends wondering where I am.” She asks.

“Go ahead.”

Clarke answers the phone.

“Hello?”

Lexa can’t hear whoever is on the phone or what's being said, but from what Clarke said before answering, she assumes that it's one of her friends.

“No, I’m fine.”

There is a pause.

“I uh- I left a little while ago. The noise was giving me a headache and I needed some air, and ended up just walking home.”

Another pause.

“Yes I’m sure I’m okay.”

Another pause.

“No, you should stay and enjoy your night.”

Another pause.

“Alright, have fun. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She hangs up the phone and turns towards Lexa.

“Sorry. I totally just lied to my best friend in front of you… Probably not the best first impression.” Clarke looks a mix between slightly sheepish and slightly guilty.

Lexa almost laughs.

“It’s fine. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t done the same thing before.”

Clarke smiles warmly at the admission. It looks genuine, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes. If Lexa didn’t use the same fake look so often, she wouldn't have even recognized it.

Maybe her theory about the artist had some merit behind it.

“Your mask is good.”

The blonde's smile drops. She looks extremely caught off guard.

“What?”

“It’s almost impossible to fake emotions in the eyes. I've been practising for a while now and still can’t seem to get the hang of it.”

The blonde looks into her eyes, almost as if she were looking right into her soul, before an actual smile takes over her features. A genuine one. A beautiful-

Nope, not going there.

“Touché. You’re actually the first person who’s ever called me out on it.” The sound of soft laughter follows.

“A smile can hide many emotions, but the eyes cannot unfortunately.”

“You sound like you’re talking from experience.”

It wasn't a question. Both of them knew it was the truth.

Lexa was taken aback by the sudden realization. She actually just let her guard down around someone. Well someone other than an anonymous chatting partner over a social media app. Apparently Lexa Woods find’s it easier to open up, even if only slightly, to strangers.

Maybe it’s just because she already feels like she knows the blonde slightly from all of her artwork.

“Your art is your way of expressing your emotions, clearing your mind and stuff like that, isn’t it?”

“Mhm. Once again, you’re the first person to call me out on that one.”

“It’s beautiful how you can portray so many feeling with simple sketches and brush strokes, the way you bring forward such deep emotions with the use of colour...”

_There she goes again, sounding like a fan girl._  She signs internally.

“That means infinitely more to me than all of the comments that I usually get, telling me how pretty and elegant my artwork is.” The blonde admits, shyly? “Thank you.”

Lexa turns back to find blue eyes looking into her own forest green ones.

“You’re welcome.” Lexa even manages to return the genuine smile.

They continue to observe the colour in each other’s eyes for what feels like hours which is actually only around fifteen seconds, before Clarke stands from the chair. Lexa follows her up.

“I should probably go, it’s getting late.”

Lexa simply nods.

“Thanks for letting me hide away up here. And for the company.”

“It was my pleasure.”

“Oh, and I should probably give this back before I forget.” She goes to take the hoody off but Lexa stops her.

“It’s freezing outside tonight. You can borrow it.”

“Are you sure? I mean, Rise Against is a pretty great band. There’s no way I’d let anyone borrow my hoody if I had one.”

Lexa smiles again at that.

“You’re a fan?”

“Of course.” The blonde answers with some enthusiasm that Lexa can’t stop herself from smiling at.

“It’s fine, really. You can give it back to me tomorrow morning, or on Monday.” Lexa tells her, suddenly figuring out how she recognized the blonde earlier.

Clarke stares at her for a few seconds before smiling again. “I thought I recognized you. I just wasn't one hundred percent sure because we've never actually spoken before tonight.”

“How ironic.” Lexa chuckles. “Octavia wanted to introduce us, but we’re been gym buddies for nearly a week without even realizing it.”

Both girls share a soft laugh at that.

“I think I might sleep in tomorrow. So I guess I’ll see you Sunday morning?”

“I guess so.”

Clarke smiles and heads towards the balcony door.

“Thanks again. For the company, and letting me borrow this.” She says, gesturing towards Lexa’s hoody that she is still wearing.

“It’s no problem, really Clarke.” Lexa responds, the blondes name subconsciously rolling off her tongue once again.

They share one more genuine smile before Clarke disappears back into Lexa’s room. A few seconds later she hears her bedroom door open and close.

She decides to just stay out on the balcony and enjoy the cool night air.

Without even realizing it though, her mind remains on those piercing blue eyes.

 

* * *

**_1:17AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Hey, are you still up?_

Clarke wasn't sure why she decided to message _Heda_ so late that night, well morning, but she just felt like talking to her.

She’s been home for a few hours now and her mood was actually pretty good. She mostly forgot about what ruined her good mood earlier, and was in a much better one.

Her walk home was fine, and she was extremely thankful that Lexa had lent her the hoody to fight off the cold, because she was right, it was freezing.

Not to mention that she was super jealous that Lexa had a Rise Against hoody, and decided that she wanted to get one for her next birthday. It was really warm and it seemed to fit her so perfectly.

Since she got home, she trader her jeans for a pair of comfortable trackies, but the hoody was already so warm so she decided to keep wearing it.

She wasn't really all that tired, so she put in her headphones and listened to music while working on her latest artwork.

It wasn't her usual style, but for some reason the Black Dahlia that she’d been working on was quickly becoming one of her favourite pieces. She decided that she wanted to keep it as a basic sketch, simple black and white, but she wanted to clean it up a lot from how it was.

Now, a couple of hours later, it’s almost finished. The edges are a lot more refined, the proportions have been adjusted accordingly and the proper shading has been added. All that remains is to clean up the fallen petals that spelt out _Heda_.

Clarke decides to call it a night and get into bed, she still isn’t tired, but she never likes to rush her work, so she figures that she’ll finish it later, it will give her something to look forward to.

She packs up her pencils and sketch book, slips into her bed and turns off the lamp.

She’s still listening to music though, she prefers it to the otherwise silent house.

When _Audience Of One_ by Rise Against starts playing, she thinks back to her time on the balcony with Lexa.

When the brunette first came out onto the balcony, she thought she recognized her, but wasn't too sure. She was pretty sure that she would remember such a beautiful human being if they’d met before, but she couldn't shake the feeling that she knew her from somewhere.

Turns out she did. She thinks back to the first day back at college when she went to the gym. She had no idea back then that the earphone wearing brunette on the exercise bike next to her was her best friend’s boyfriend’s sister

It’s funny how things work out some times.

She snaps back to reality when she feels her phone vibrate beside her.

 

**_1:20AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Hey. Yeah, sorry I was just brushing my teeth._

_What’s up?_

Clarke smiles. She’s glad that _Heda_ is awake. They haven’t really gotten to talk much throughout the week, with them both being busy back at college.

 

**_1:21AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Not a whole lot. Just thought I’d see if you were up for a chat?_

**_1:22AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Of course :)_

**_1:23AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_How’s your week been? :)_

**_1:24AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_It’s been alright, really, really busy though!_

_How did your papers and presentation go?_

Clarke smiles again. It was sweet of _Heda_ to remember. Especially seeing as Clarke didn’t mention it again since Monday afternoon when she was in the library.

 

**_1:26AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_The papers were fine. I don’t really like giving presentations, nerves and all that, but I think I went okay._

**_1:28AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_That’s good :)_

**_1:29AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Thanks :)_

**_1:30AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_You’re welcome. Do you have much planned for your weekend?_

Clarke takes a moment to think about it. Besides from the Sunday morning workout, and obviously study, she didn’t really have much planned. Which she was glad about.

 

**_1:32AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Not really, I’m looking forward to just relaxing, a bit of study, and I might finish the sketch I sent you the other night._

**_1:34AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Oh? Nice. Have you done any more of the sketch? It was really good when you sent it to me. I’d love to see any progress that you've made._

**_1:36AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_I worked on it for a few hours tonight. It’s almost finished :)_

**_1:37AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Can I see it? :)_

**_1:39AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Nope! It may be dedicated to you, but you have to wait with everyone else, until it’s finished :)_

**_1:41AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_Everyone else?_

Oops.

 

**_1:43AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Yeah, I’m usually very private with unfinished work, but when I’m done I usually show it to people. I hope you don’t mind…?_

**_1:45AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_No, that’s fine. I can’t wait to see the final product :)_

Phew.

Clarke doesn't really know why she got worried for a moment there. She realizes that maybe the sketch is something personal between _Heda_ and herself, and even though she kind of feels like it is, she still wants to share it like all of her other artwork.

She then wonders what the chances were of _Heda_ following her on Instagram… That could be awkward when she uploads it.

She dismisses the thought though. The worlds isn’t THAT small.

 

**_1:47AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Awesome :) Are you sleepy?_

**_1:49AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_A little bit, but its fine, I don’t mind staying awake and talking to you. :)_

Clarke smiles brightly at that, and then kind of fells like an idiot, but then realizes that she doesn't care.

 

**_1:51AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_You’re sweet :) But no, it’s okay. I’m starting to get a little sleepy too. Maybe it’s a sign that we should both call it a night?_

**_1:53AM_ **

**_Heda_ **

_It probably is :)_

_Sweet dreams._

**_1:55AM_ **

**_Prisa_ **

_Good night :)_

Not long after putting her phone down, Clarke falls asleep with a soft smile on her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to find me on Tumblr if you want! - ezreality7.tumblr.com
> 
> If you have any question I'd be happy to answer them here or on Tumblr!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The one where Clarke seems to sigh a lot.
> 
> Ps. Sorry for the slow update, I've been distracted by assignments and Person Of Interest :3
> 
> Enjoy :)

The next morning Clarke wakes up to the sound of the front door slamming closed.

It’s not the first time she’s woken up this way. Whenever there is a big party on that Octavia and Raven go to, they usually don’t come home until early the next morning, and when they’re as hungover as they usually are, closing the door softly isn’t really high on their list of priorities.

She rolls over with a groan to check the time while stretching out her waking limbs.

_**8:29AM** _

Clarke groans again and lifts her hands to rub the sleep out of her eyes.

She just lays there for a few minutes and when she doesn’t hear the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs, she assumes that whoever it was must have gone into the kitchen.

She’s not entirely sure why she bothers to get up and check, because she’s still kind of annoyed about being forced to go to the party last night, but she still loves her friends, so she gets up and makes to go check on whoever just came home.

When she gets down stairs and moves towards the kitchen area, she’s greeted with the image of Raven sitting slumped over the table with her head in her arms.

“Good morning Raven, have a nice night?” She asks in an overly chipper mood, knowing how much it will annoy the brunette.

“Shhhhhhhh, not so loud.” Raven whisper-yells as she looks up with pleading eyes. She instantly squints and uses her hands to block out the light before collapsing back on the table.

“So on a scale of one to ten, how hungover are you?” Clarke asks, half curious and half amused.

“Twelve.” She mumbles quietly before passing out.

Clarke considers waking Raven up and trying to get her up to her bed, but knows that it would be way more effort than it would be worth, so instead she just grabs a glass of water and heads back up to her room.

After that Saturday passes by in a blur and Clarke doesn’t really remember much of what happened.

After returning to her room she put on some music and lost herself in studying. She took a break sometime around early afternoon to grab some lunch and discovered that at some point Raven must have woken up and moved herself to the couch. After that she had a quick shower and continued on with her study.

Before she even realised it, the day was over and she was yawning tiredly as her head hit the pillow.

 

* * *

 

 

On Sunday morning Lexa gets to the gym a bit earlier than she usually would. She spent the previous day sleeping and helping clean up the house. She did so grudgingly seeing as it was Lincoln’s party, but she didn’t exactly want to live surrounded by empty bottles of alcohol so she put in the effort to help out.

By the time the house was back to normal it was mid afternoon and she was already feeling tired again. That being the case she took another nap and then spent the rest of the day reading through her course books and taking down notes to help herself memorise everything.

She planned to send  _Prisa_ a message and see if she was up for a chat, but before she knew it, it was late and she was tired. So instead, she got comfy in her bed and turned in for the night.

Back in the present, Lexa jumps slightly in surprise when she sees someone sit down on the exercise bike next to her. She looks up and is met with a familiar set of blue eyes.

She pulls out her earphones and offers a small smile in greeting.

“Hi there. I didn’t mean to startle you.” Clarke greets her, slight amusement in her tone from obviously catching Lexa’s surprise.

Lexa just huffs and rolls her eyes, causing the blonde to chuckle softly.

Clarke just smiles at her and Lexa can’t help but notice that it doesn’t seem forced. She also can’t help the natural smile that covers her features as a result of that.

“Are you here to work out or are you hear for idle chit chat?” Lexa asks in a teasing tone before she can stop herself.

Clarke doesn’t respond, just grins and puts in her own earphones before getting to work on the exercise bike.

Lexa watches her for a few moments before shaking her head, putting her own earphones back in and getting back to her own workout.

Neither of them  bring up the fact that Clarke didn't end up bringing Lexa's hoody back to her.

Lexa because she forgot. (She actually just doesn't mind the blonde borrowing it for some reason...) And Clarke because she wanted to wash it before giving it back as a way of saying thank you. (She actually just wanted to keep it for a bit longer for some reason...)

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa goes into the library on Monday afternoon after a busy day of classes. She has a lot of work to get through and knows that if she goes home, either Lincoln or Anya will try to find a way to distract her from doing it. They wouldn’t be successful, but they would probably push her to the point where she would snap at them and then she would feel guilty about it for the rest of the evening.

So because of that, she decided that going to the library for a couple hours would be the safest bet.

There are quite a few people around and not many spare tables seeing as it’s only the second week back for the year and most people still have the motivation to stay on top of their work loads. It’s still about two weeks too early to be able to come in on a Monday afternoon and have free pick of where to sit.

Lexa takes a quick look around to try and find somewhere quiet to work when she spots a familiar face looking down into a text book.

She hesitates for a moment but realises that her options are fairly limited, and if she were to be honest with herself, the option presenting itself currently isn't really that bad.

She makes her way through the crowd and softly places her books on the table, drawing the attention from the other girl sitting there.

The blonde looks up and green eyes lock with blue.

“Lexa. Hi.” The blonde greets politely.

“Hey Clarke. Do you mind if I join you?” Lexa asks, not sure why she was feeling slightly shy all of a sudden.

“By all means.” Clarke smiles and gestures to the seat across the table.

Lexa smiles her thanks and takes the seat, before arranging her books to get started on her work.

They fall into a comfortable silence, which Lexa is thankful for. She has a lot of work to do and the whole point of coming to the library was to avoid distractions.

Even so, that doesn’t stop her for looking up every now and then to see what the blonde was up to. Most of the time, Clarke seems to be busy with reading one of her text books, or writing out an essay, but occasionally when Lexa looked up, she found Clarke looking back at her. In these instances they’d share a, friendly (?) smile, before both continuing on with their work.

This is how things went for about an hour until Lexa was snapped out of her focus by an exaggerated sigh coming from the blonde across from her.

“Everything okay?”

“No.” Clarke answers as she rubs her temples. “I feel like my head is about to explode.”

“Maybe you should take a break?”

“I think I will.” Clarke says as she gets up from the table and stretches. “I’m going to grab a coffee, do you want one?”

Lexa is a bit surprised by the offer but pleased by it at the same time. “Black please. No sugars.”

“Coming right up.”

Lexa watches as Clarke leaves the library to get them coffee. She knows it’s only a small gesture, but she can’t help the smile that forms on her face because of it. After a moment though, she shakes her head, adopts her stoic facade and gets back to work.

She's interrupted again a couple minutes later and looks up expecting to see Clarke back with coffee, but instead is surprised to see her brother with his girlfriend, sitting themselves down at the table.

“Hey Lex. Hope you don’t mind.” Lincoln greets, and she’s pretty sure that it wouldn’t matter even if she told him that she did mind.

She lets out a sigh and accepts the fact that she probably won’t be getting much work done until they leave.

Instead of acknowledging her brother, she looks across to Octavia who offers her a wide smile in greeting.

“Hello Octavia.” She offers in return.

“Hey. Who are you sitting with?” Octavia asks, gesturing to the pile of text books and unfinished essays on the table opposite where Lexa is sitting.

“That would be-” She starts before she is interrupted.

“Me.” Clarke answers for her, sitting back into her seat and passing a coffee across the table to Lexa.

“Thanks.” Lexa says gratefully as she accepts the beverage and takes a sip. She holds in the smile threatening to display across her face though. 

“Not a problem.” Clarke says while taking her own sip, before placing it down on the table and greeting the new additions.

“Wait… I thought you had a lecture this afternoon?” Octavia says to Clarke, confusion evident in her voice, drawing the attention of everyone at the table.

Clarke sighs slightly before giving a forced smile. Lexa is pretty sure that Octavia doesn’t see through the mask, but Lexa recognises it instantly. She wonders why the blonde, who apart from their first meeting, has always seemed so cheerful, has a mask in the first place.

“The lecturer called in sick so it got called off this week.” Clarke says convincingly. Octavia seems happy enough with the answer, but now Lexa is left wondering why Clarke is lying to her friend.

“You should have called me. We could have met up and hung out or something.” Octavia says playfully.

“I thought I’d just make the most of the spare time and get a head start on some my work.” She replies before looking between her friend and Lincoln. “Besides, it looks like you were doing just fine without me.”

Octavia and Lincoln share a smile and Lexa just continues to sip at her coffee while observing the conversation taking place around her.

For the next half an hour, they group alternates between working slowly through essays and chatting casually. Though Lexa notices that mostly, if not all, of the conversation is started up by her brother or Octavia.

The library is becoming less crowded as the late afternoon becomes early evening, and Lexa contemplates whether it’s worth staying much longer seeing as the distractions seem to be getting more and more frequent the longer that Lincoln and Octavia are sitting with them.

She’s about to pack up and make her way home when Octavia’s phone goes off and she quickly answers it to stop her ringtone from playing in the quiet library.

“Hey Bell what’s up?”

Pause.

“Yeah I’m with at the library with Lincoln, Clarke and Lexa.”

Lexa notices Clarke’s shoulders tense the moment her name is brought up in the conversation.

“Sure I’ll ask if they’re interested and be right over.”

Pause.

“Alright see you soon.”

Octavia hangs up the phone and looks up to the group with a smile on her face.

“Bellamy is having some people around for a party at his Jasper and Monty’s place. You guys are obviously invited.” She says while packing up her own work.

Clarke’s shoulders relax again and Lexa can’t help but wonder why they tensed in the first place.

“I’ll pass. Say hello to everyone for me though.” Clarke gives a brief smile and continues on with what she was working on.

Octavia looks like she’s about to protest the blonde’s decision but doesn’t end up doing so.

“What about you, feeling up to it?” Lincoln asks Lexa with a hopeful expression.

“Sorry, but I’ve already got a lot of work piling up and I want to stay on top of it.”

“Lex, it’s the second week of the year, how much work could you possibly have?” He asks in a disbelieving tone.

She has to make a conscious effort not to sigh in exasperation and roll her eyes, instead she just put on a fake smile and says, “Sorry, maybe another time.”

Lincoln looks slightly dejected but cheers up immediately when Octavia takes his hand and they say their goodbyes.

Lexa lets out a sigh of relief when the quiet falls back over the table. She looks across to Clarke to find that she is watching her with curious eyes.

Lexa raises an eyebrow in question to which the blonde just smiles and shakes her head slightly before returning to her own work.

Lexa’s gaze lingers, her own curiosity now present, but eventually she pushes it down and gets back into her work.

 

* * *

 

 

It was another hour of fairly uninterrupted work before Clarke closed her large textbook with an unintentionally loud thump.

Feeling a bit guilty she takes a quick look around and decides that it doesn't really matter because there aren't many people left on the surrounding tables, and those who are still there are either talking amongst themselves or just browsing social media on their laptops.

Remembering that she has company she looks up and offers Lexa a guilty smile.

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Lexa says with a bit of a chuckle. “I’ve just about reached my limit for one day as well.”

“What’re you majoring?” Clarke asks, suddenly curious.

“Law, you?”

“Bio-med.” Lexa gives her an acknowledging nod and goes back to her work. “I thought you’d reached your limit for the day?” She asks playfully.

“I have, but I’m also about twenty minutes off finishing this essay.”

“I’ll wait until you finish then.” Clarke says and smiles at the curious look she gets in return. “It’s peaceful here. I like the quiet.”

Lexa hums her acknowledgement and goes to say something. Clarke can see the hesitation in her eyes and waits to see if the brunette will say what was on her mind or not.

Eventually she does.

“Is that why you lied to your friend about your lecturer calling in sick?”

Clarke knows she should feel guilty about being called out on her lie, but she feels more amused that Lexa had seen through her so easily.

“Technically it wasn’t a lie…” Clarke answers playfully causing Lexa to roll her eyes.

“There never was a lecture this afternoon was there?”

“Nope.”

“Clever.” Lexa smiles slightly. “If my friends didn’t already know my schedule I’d probably adopt a couple fake lectures as well.”

“And why would you do that?” Clarke asks, not sure why she was so curious all of a sudden.

“Sometime my friends can be… Overbearing…?” Lexa answers hesitantly.

Clarke recognises that their conversation has somehow turned from playful to deep rather quickly and from the looks of things, the brunette realises it as well. Seeing the obvious discomfort, Clarke decides it’s probably best to change the topic.

“Your twenty minutes are ticking Woods.” Clarke offers, giving Lexa the opportunity to get back to her work, which the brunette takes after offering a thankful smile in return.

 

* * *

 

 

Twenty minutes later, Lexa is almost finished when she hears another sigh across the table from her and looks up.

“Everything okay?” She asks, noticing the conflicted look on Clarke’s face.

“Hmm? Oh yeah, I just…” Clarke pauses and looks up from her laptop, which she has been staring at for the past twenty minutes, to lock eyes with Lexa.

“You just…?” Lexa prompts, curious as to what has the blonde looking so conflicted.

Clarke looks to be having a debate internally before she lets out another sigh.

“I finished a drawing last night, and I really love how it turned out and everything… But I’m not sure if I should upload it or not.”

“Why wouldn’t you upload it?” Lexa asks, now even more curious seeing as they were talking about Clarke’s artwork.

 _Definitely not a fan girl._  Lexa reminds herself.

“Usually all of the artwork I produce comes from within, sort of like self-reflection I guess, or my way of coping with whatever life throws at me.” Clarke explains. “But this piece… It’s different I guess. It was inspired by someone else, and drawn for someone else. I’ve never really done artwork for other people before, and I feel like its kind of private between myself and the person it’s for, but at the same time, I really want to upload it, because I’m so proud of how it turned out.”

Lexa sits back in her chair, taking a moment to process everything Clarke just told her. For reasons she can't explain, she feels kind of honoured that the blonde had been so honest and shared all of that with her, and is even now looking at her with an expression that says she is hoping for some advice on the matter.

“I think that if it was me, that the art was for I mean, I’d want you to share it with your Instagram.” Lexa admits after hesitating slightly. “I don’t want to make any assumptions here, but from my understanding, you share all of your art…?” She waits until Clarke gives a small nod before continuing. “Then I think the person who you drew for would want for you to share it as well. Just because it’s shared with all of your followers, that doesn’t mean that it won’t still hold the same amount of meaning to the person who you did it for.”

Its Clarke’s turn to lean back into her chair and process Lexa’s words. After a few moments the look of conflict leaves her face and is replaced with a smile.

“Thanks for the advice.” She says genuinely to which Lexa just offers a smile back. “I’m going to upload it.”

Lexa offers a final nod to their conversation before adding the final touches to her essay while Clarke’s attention goes back to her laptop.

It’s a few minutes later when Lexa’s phone vibrates to alert her that she has an email. She unlocks the phone and brings up the email.

 

> _**Instagram (**_  [ _notification@instagram.com_  ](mailto:notification@instagram.com)  _ **)**_
> 
> _This is an automatic notification to let you know that_ ** _Clarke Griffin_** _has uploaded a new photo to Instagram. You have elected to receive notifications when this user uploads new content, if you would like to cancel this feature, email “Stop” To_  [ _stopnotifications@instagram.com_  ](mailto:stopnotifications@instagram.com)  _._
> 
> _Regards, Instagram._
> 
> _(Do not reply to this email.)_

Lexa smiles to herself and looks up to where Clarke is still distracted with something on her laptop.

Lexa opens up the Instagram app on her phone and right at the top is the newest upload from  _ **Clarke Griffin**_ _._ It’s taking a while to load so she scrolls down slightly to see that it was captioned,  _‘Thank you for the inspiration x.’_

Seeing the bottom of the image load, Lexa scrolls up quickly, excited to see Clarke’s latest artwork. Her first reaction is that it looks beautiful. The way that the flower is leaning slightly in one direction as if caught in the wind, the detail put into the stem and petals that described so much, even in black and white. Even the petals falling to spell out a word in the shadow of the flower…

Lexa gasps and drops her phone with wide eyes.

Clarke looks up instantly, concern evident in her eyes.

“Are you okay?”

Lexa looks down to her phone, thankful that it landed face down on the table before taking a deep breath and trying to calm her racing heartbeat.

It's a lot to process out of nowhere, and she is suddenly feeling very claustrophobic in the open style library.

It’s only when she hears Clarke’s voice again that she realises that she's completely failing at calming her breathing down, because now she’s practically gasping for oxygen.

“Lexa, breathe.” Clarke tells her with a calm voice, though the underlying concern is still present.

It's a few minutes of taking slow deep breaths along with the blonde, whose calm reassuring voice helps Lexa to calm down, before her breathing to return to normal.

Lexa opens her eyes, which were shut tightly while trying to calm down, and locks onto the blonde’s concerned blue orbs.

“You okay?” Clarke asks cautiously.

“Yeah… Sorry about that.” Lexa tries to deflect and they sit in silence for a little while. She’s grateful when Clarke doesn’t force the issue. “I uh, I have to go. Something's come up.” She says and quickly picks up her phone, stuffing it in her pocket before packing up the rest of her things.

She’s grateful when Clarke just gives her a concerned smile instead of trying to pry for information, and almost feels guilty for freaking out. But at the same time, Clarke is  _Prisa_ , and she needs some time to process that information.

“I’ll see you around…" She hesitates for a moment before continuing, "Thanks for the company.”

Lexa is on her way out of the library before Clarke even gets the chance to respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to find me on Tumblr if you want! - ezreality7.tumblr.com
> 
> If you have any question I'd be happy to answer them here or on Tumblr!

**Author's Note:**

> Updates will be as often as possible, but there will be no promises because I have a pretty busy schedule at the moment.  
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
